Seriously: Freshman misses comfort of own room

Tatiana Parafiniuk-Talesnick

Colorado State University freshman business major Sam Bakerson returned to his dorm a week ago — and some things just do not compare to back home.

“I’m stoked to be back,” Bakerson said. “I feel really prepared, just like, this semester is going to be rad. But, I really miss cranking the shank in my own room.”


Since returning from break, Bakerson has found he lost the at-home comfort of “whipping it out” whenever he wants to. The change has taken a lot of adjustment, according to Bakerson.

“Now, I mostly have to do it in the shower,” Bakerson said. “Or sometimes, I try to do it really super quietly at night and just pray my roommate doesn’t wake up.”

Bakerson is looking forward to his roommate’s skiing trips so he can once again have some space to himself. If things go his way next year, Bakerson looks forward to moving into a spacious apartment with some colleagues.

“I’m looking at signing for a pretty chill place with my bros, pretty big, it looks nice,” Bakerson said. “As long as Ian doesn’t flake, oh God Ian, he can be such a little b*tch sometimes.”

Bakerson also misses his dog – for unrelated reasons.

Collegian Satire Blogger Tatiana Talesnik can be reached online at