April Fools: Cam the Ram pulls FoCo out of gold, black darkness


Collegian | Brian Peña

Damon Chef, Staff Reporter

April 1, 2013

With buildings crumbling, smoke rises in the air. Off in the distance, you can hear the blaring of car alarms as they’ve crashed into buildings, destroying them and leaving rubble strewn throughout the streets. The events are being described as the worst thing to happen to Fort Collins since the flood in 1997. However, this time is different. There is no natural disaster. This is caused by a group that one Colorado State University fan described as “crazed lunatics.”

“I am scared for my life,” the fan said. “There are people walking around in black and gold. They don’t appear to have anything going on inside their heads except for the thirst for destruction. They are crazed lunatics.”


While doctors have yet to declare what is officially happening, there is widespread fear that CU-dyceps virus is what’s causing people to go crazy. While the virus has mostly been contained to Boulder, Colorado, there is now fear that there was a breach. Dr. Ralphie Nefarious described what effect the virus can have on a person.

“It enters the person and takes over their brain, rendering it virtually unusable,” Nefarious said. “The virus takes over. They are like a bull, but all they can see is black and gold.”

An epidemic is what people are calling it. It can take anyone: friends, family and loved ones. No one is safe. If you get close enough, you can hear the people who are infected by the virus murmur about how they “got coach Prime.” It appears to be the only brain function they have left.

While there doesn’t appear to be a cure as of now, the speculation is that there is something in the works, and there is hope this virus will be reversed. 

April 1, 2023

Nearly 10 years after the CU-dyceps virus infiltrated Fort Collins, hope appeared to be lost. Peanuts the bulldog, the once pride and glory of Fort Collins, was poisoned by some of the infected people and was presumed dead. However, an unlikely hero emerged from the darkness: CAM the Ram. 

“From bulldog to ram, I have evolved,” CAM said. “They thought they could kill me, but I came back stronger. I’m here to bring light to the darkness.”

After the years of torment Fort Collins faced from the CU-dyceps virus, bringing a darkness of gold and black, a wave of shining green and gold is starting to sweep the landscape, and hope remains for Fort Collins. While CAM remains the last hope, there is still a long road to recovery. 

It took a long time for CAM to come to the rescue since he had been captured. CAM said he didn’t think he was going to get out alive, but he knew he couldn’t let the darkness spread over the beautiful land he once called home. 

“I was kept in an old abandoned stadium,” CAM said. “It was horrid, the seats were faded yellow and the atmosphere was depressing. I didn’t think I was going to be able to escape.”


However, CAM said he was able to muster up what little strength he had left to escape.

“If it wasn’t for them being distracted by a sign that said ‘Primetime,’ it would have never happened,” CAM said. “It was almost like they had mindless attraction to a word.”

Despite the less than desirable circumstances, CAM said he found the inspiration he needed to build the now coveted Canvas Stadium in Fort Collins. The stunning stadium offers breathtaking views and an atmosphere CAM believes can bring life back into Fort Collins and cure the world of the deadly CU-dyceps virus. 

CAM was able to build something inside Canvas Stadium that would bring the green and gold light back into the world. He built a sense of pride so strong that one cannot resist upon entering the stadium. Through that pride, a cure was born. While it isn’t a physical cure, it comes with a 100% recovery rate for those affected with the virus. CAM started to sing.

“Fight on you stalwart Ram team on to the goal, tear the Buffaloes line asunder as down the field we thunder!” CAM sang with pride. “Knights of the green and gold fight with all your might! Fight on you stalwart Ram team, FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! GO RAMS!”

As you look around, the veil of darkness starts to lift and people start to join in regaining the stalwart passion that was once known to Fort Collins. A sea of noise begins to pick up and crescendos with the increasing gleaming of green and gold pride. 

In a matter of seconds, the song can be heard from Old Town to Harmony Road. As the evil leaves Fort Collins, you can see people start to smile again and come out of the virus’s despair. You can physically see people’s shoulders begin to perk up as their backs straighten out. This was also the case for Ramsey Fan, who was miraculously cured by CAM.

“I’d forgotten what it was like to be happy,” Fan said. “Throughout me being infected, I could only think of one word, and that was ‘primetime.’”

Fortunately for Fan, he won’t have to worry about that again. The stalwart, glorious CAM the Ram came through, saving the greatest land known to man in another story where good overcomes evil.

Reach Damon Cook at sports@collegian.com or on Twitter @dwcook2001.