Seriously: Free Speech Stump takes leave of absence

Leta McWilliams

The Free Speech Stump, a landmark here at Colorado State University, declared he is taking a leave of absence, and didn’t show up to the plaza this morning. According to Stump, he has had enough in light of CSU’s free speech debate.

“I can’t do it anymore,” the Stump said. “I feel like I’m always being used. People are constantly stepping on me in order to achieve their own agenda.”

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The Stump has been working for CSU for almost two years. The job has been in the family since 1964, and after the deterioration of his father, the Stump felt it was time to take his place. The Stump said he’s had a good relationship with CSU President Tony Frank since he was a kid, but started feeling disrespected once he took his father’s place.

“The pay has never been good,” the Stump said. “Tony keeps promising a raise, but until that happens I’m taking a break to spend time with my family. Students can find other ways to express how they feel.”

A group of students came to the plaza this morning to protest the Stump’s leave of absence, but they were confused on how to do it since the Stump wasn’t there to stand on.

“I just can’t believe he would do this to us,” one of the students said. “We need a place to express how we feel. How are we expected to protest without the Stump?”

We don’t know whether or not the Stump’s absence will be permanent. The Collegian will continue to update the story as it develops.

Editor’s note: This is a satire piece from The Collegian’s opinion section. Real names may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not read editor’s notes are subject to being offended.