Look, let’s be real — life is hard. Student loans? Sky-high. Job market? Bleak. The constant existential dread of figuring out what you’re doing with your life? Ever-present. We are certainly not live, laugh, loving in these conditions. That’s why I’m here to tell you that it’s time to stop resisting the inevitable: you should absolutely, unequivocally and enthusiastically join a cult. 

And no, I’m not talking about a fun little book club or that yoga studio that keeps asking you to donate your life savings to their spiritual leader. I mean the real deal — matching robes, chanting at sunrise and absolute devotion to an enigmatic leader with a suspiciously vague backstory. I know, I know, I sound like I’ve absolutely lost it, but I swear I am completely and totally 110% sane. Joining a cult is perfectly reasonable — just hear me out. 

1. Decision making? Never again!

Tired of agonizing over what to wear? What to eat? Whether to switch majors for the fifth time? In a cult, all decisions are made for you! Say goodbye to the pesky burden of free will and hello to a streamlined, worry-free existence where all choices are conveniently dictated by someone else. Who needs critical thinking when you can just be told exactly what to do at all times? Blissful ignorance is in, people.

2. Instant best friends whether you want them or not!

Making friends in college is hard. You have to put in effort, maintain conversations and pretend to be interested in other people’s favorite TV shows. But in a cult? Boom — automatic besties for life. These people will be with you 24/7, whether you like it or not. Think of it like a never-ending group project, except you can’t leave, and everyone is uncomfortably enthusiastic about obedience.

3. A lifetime of uniform chic

Tired of keeping up with fast fashion? Join a cult, and you’ll never have to think about outfits again. Most cults provide a signature robe or tunic, ensuring that you and your fellow devotees achieve the ultimate in minimalist fashion. It’s like athleisure, but for spiritual enlightenment or something like that. Plus, matching outfits really help solidify that whole surrendering individuality thing.

4. Zero career anxiety (because you won’t have 1)

Let’s be honest: job hunting is exhausting. Cover letters, networking events, LinkedIn updates — who needs the stress? When you join a cult, you no longer have to worry about career prospects because your new full-time occupation will be dedicated follower. The only upward mobility you’ll need to worry about is whether you get promoted to chief chanting coordinator or assistant to the grand enlightened one.

5. Apocalypse? You’re already prepared!

While the rest of the world scrambles for survival strategies during the next global catastrophe, you’ll be safely nestled in your compound, prepped for the end times with your fellow believers. Whether it’s doomsday prepping or an intergalactic spaceship coming to take you away, at least you won’t be caught off guard. Plus, canned food and communal living? That’s just smart planning.

So, what are you waiting for? Throw on a robe, drink the Kool-Aid and get ready for a life free from responsibility, independence and personal agency. After all, thinking for yourself is exhausting — let someone else do it for you.

Reach Hanky Panky at letters@collegian.com or Twitter @CSUCollegian.