Editor’s Note: This is a satire piece from The Collegian’s opinion section. Real names and the events surrounding them may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not read the editor’s notes are subject to being offended.

Birth control is a hot topic, especially among female-bodied individuals in college. The beauty of pregnancy prevention lies in its customizability, with modern medicine giving us numerous great ways to keep babies away. What a lot of people don’t realize is that birth control is almost like medical astrology — the kind of birth control you choose can reveal who you are at your core. 

The pill

You like to keep it classic and maintain a steady routine. You think ahead and have your life planned out in an aesthetically pleasing digital planner. You also have an alarm that goes off at full volume at 7 p.m. every day — no matter the setting — that says something along the lines of “a pill a day keeps the babies away.” You are reliable and prepared for anything; your friends call you a “mom friend,” but if you don’t want to be a real mom, the pill is perfect for you.

IUD 

You are a type-B, relaxed person, and you want maximum protection with minimal effort. You write your essays the day they’re due but always manage to get an A. You also have a suitcase sitting on your bedroom floor from a trip you took last month that you haven’t bothered to unpack, and you tell people you’re just preparing for another trip. When people ask you about your IUD, your response is always, “It was the worst pain I’ve ever felt in my life, but I promise it was sooooooo worth it.” You’re endearingly aloof, and everyone secretly wants to be you.

Arm implant

You also like to stay low-maintenance and not have to worry about a tight routine to avoid accidentally making a mini you. You are a very go-with-the-flow, carefree type of person, and you get along with everybody. Maybe you tried the pill but left do not disturb on and kept forgetting to take it. You may be a little disorganized, but your friends don’t mind because you’re so charming. Your favorite trick is making your friends squeal by touching the implant under your skin, and it makes you the talk of the party.

The patch/the ring

You are a free thinker, a nonconformist. You have 100 incredibly niche Spotify playlists to capture your exact mood, and all of them consist of songs and artists your friends have never heard of. You like these birth control methods because they are nobody’s favorite, and that fuels your individuality complex. You’re extremely chic and a lot of people’s style icon; I’m talking full glam, a Vogue-level outfit every day. You don’t mind wearing a little accessory to ensure that you don’t have to spend the next nine months building a maternity wardrobe and learning how to style a baby bump. 

The shot

This is likely not the first birth control you tried, but it’s the one that works best. You are a very open person who will try anything once, whether that be a new food, skydiving or anything else your friends lovingly convince you to do. Though you love a routine, you like to maintain some flexibility in your day-to-day life. You aren’t afraid of a little pain if it will pay off. You like to experiment in all areas of your life, and your birth control is no different. 

Cycle tracking/other natural methods

You’re probably vegan and shop 100% organic to avoid ingesting “all those chemicals.” You use goat’s milk soap in the shower and essential oil deodorant. Your makeup routine is all from Burt’s Bees. You’re not into the hormones that come with most birth control, so you put your trust in nature and hope for the best. You also probably have peer-reviewed studies downloaded onto your phone that you pull out when someone says, “Are you sure you can trust that?” when you tell them about cycle tracking. This happens a lot. 

Condoms only

You like to stay as medically untouched as possible but with maximum protection. You are particular and like to stick to one way of doing things, even if people try to convince you to change your ways. You are strong in your boundaries and unwavering in your self-confidence. You probably have a favorite condom brand, texture and even flavor if you’re adventurous, and you might judge sexual partners based on their condom choices. 

Withdrawal, pulling out

If you aren’t actively trying for a baby, you single-handedly keep Plan B One-Step in business. You live life with a fuck-it-we-ball attitude, and although you may be a bit on the irresponsible side, people admire your reckless abandon. You are the sleep-in-your-makeup type and always have a messy room with week-old Monster Energy cans lying around. You somehow never have a full pantry because of your DoorDash habits, but you like it this way. You’re carefree — maybe to a fault — but you live for the chaos. 

Remember, all birth control is good birth control if it works for you. No matter who you are or how you choose to live, there is an option that will fit your needs.

Reach Astrid Thorn at letters@collegian.com or on Twitter @CSUCollegian.