Editor’s Note: This is a satire piece from The Collegian’s opinion section. Real names and the events surrounding them may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not read the editor’s notes are subject to being offended.

This Colorado State University and University of Colorado Boulder rivalry is seriously starting to get out of hand. Just last night while I was scrolling through the news, I learned of a case being made against a person in CAM the Ram’s office chanting, “Sko Buffs!”

After the peculiar noise was heard down the hall, the administration next to CAM’s office began to investigate the situation. They found that multiple CAM the Ram mascot uniforms had been destroyed, making them absolutely unwearable for the Rocky Mountain Showdown on Saturday.

Now, I know what you must be thinking: “How did such an obvious suspect get away with the crime?” Well, it turns out that the chanting of “Sko Buffs!” was so powerful that it sent those in charge of protecting the mascot’s uniforms into hiding.

A coworker of the mascot uniform protector said it was the trauma they developed from the Rocky Mountain Showdown that sent them running. Turns out these two were in the middle of the attacks at the last game that was hosted at the Empower Field at Mile High.

Surely there had to be others nearby when the obvious perpetrator infiltrated the offices; however, the CSU Police Department said the person chose to enter at the exact time that no one would be in the offices.

They seem to have hacked into the shared calendar and scheduled a mandatory lunch at Half Fast Subs to ensure the building would only be staffed with the two most anxious guards at the exact moment they planned their attack.

While there are no official descriptions of what the vandal looks like — because the only two witnesses are in hiding indefinitely — there are some students who said they heard the chant “Sko Buffs!” echoing across campus.

“The Plaza was so busy at the time, but I swore I heard a faint ‘Sko Buffs! Sko Buffs!’ in the background on my walk to get lunch at the Lory Student Center,” first-year student George Jenkins said. “I just thought it was students ramping up for the Rocky Mountain Showdown. I didn’t think anyone would murder CAM.”

At first glance, it seemed to be an isolated attack to ensure there wouldn’t be a CAM the Ram mascot representing the CSU student section at the game. However, CAM just announced on his Instagram account that he still plans to make an appearance at the game — no matter what it takes.

But the question still stands: Who is the “Sko Buffs” student wreaking havoc on CSU’s campus in the middle of the day? CSUPD announced that the vandal, once found, will be forced to live in the barn where CAM lives. The vandal will be stuck in the barn over the weekend so they have absolutely no way to watch or even hear about the game.

Students of CU: I dare you to come to campus and attempt to find your buddy who destroyed CAM’s mascot uniform. Because if you come to campus, that means no game-watching or partying for you.

We are still looking for the suspect, so basically any CU student who comes to campus before the game will be forced to live out in the cold until all game festivities have ended. So enjoy the Rocky Mountain Showdown at your home field, and don’t even think twice about what happened to your friend.

P.S. Keep an eye out for anyone chanting “Sko Buffs!” in Fort Collins this week — it may be our only hope at finding a suspect.

Reach Dominique Lopez at letters@collegian.com or on Twitter @caffeinateddee6.