Editor’s Note: This is a satire piece from The Collegian’s opinion section. Real names and the events surrounding them may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not read the editor’s notes are subject to being offended.

“What’s in a name?” William Shakespeare famously wrote. “That which we call a rose, by any other word would smell as sweet.” This is a pretty statement, but we all know nobody actually believes that. Shakespeare probably just felt crappy about having a name as boring as William.

The most important parental obligation is by far name selection, but it can be difficult to find a substantial and unique name in our repetitive and overpopulated world. So, future parents, be better than Shakespeare by stepping away from the crowd and giving your kid a name with meaning and singularity. This list is a great place to start.

1. Coroner

Occupation names are all the rage these days — think Hunter, Shepherd, Piper — and Coroner deserves to be at the top of your list. Give some honor and recognition to the often forgotten public servants who help us out with the toughest tasks. It’s never too early to get on the good side of your child’s future medical examiner.

This name is also great if you’re in your Wednesday Addams era but don’t want to be too obvious with something like Lucifer or Ebony. Coroner is dreary enough for goths but sophisticated enough for dark academia, and you really can’t get more versatile than that.

Potential nicknames: Cory, Coco, Roro, Oreo, Corona, Coromeo

2. Banjo

Want to give your kid a cool music name but don’t want anything stuffy like Wolfgang or Carol? Banjo is fun, upbeat and interesting. Set yourself apart from those parents who force their kids to learn the piano by placing your child on the minstrel career track.

Also, imagine how cute it would be to sing “Oh! Susanna” to your baby with this name. When you get to the “I come from Alabama with my banjo on my knee” part, be sure to bounce your lively little Banjo on your own knee to illustrate the lyrics.

Potential nicknames: Jojo, Banny, Banjomin, Banjoseph, Banjosephine, Guitar But Better

3. Expedite

I know this name doesn’t really roll off the tongue, and that is a quality sore to lack when you’re yelling at your kid, trying to get them to expedite their room cleaning. So I suggest you spice up the pronunciation with some Greek inspiration. Say “Expedite” like you would “Aphrodite”: ex-puh-DIET-tee.

Additionally, if you start using this name while your child is still in the womb, the labor and delivery process will definitely go by more quickly. Manifestation is real.

Potential nicknames: X, T, Accelerate, Speed Demon, Lightning McQueen

4. &

The name &, pronounced “ampersand” or “and” if you’re lazy, is perfect for anyone who wants to one-up Elon Musk. Becoming a billionaire is difficult and boring, but writing “&” on a birth certificate is easy, fun and clever.

& is even better if you’re on your second kid and planning for a third. Face the middle-child syndrome head on by acknowledging off the bat that your second kid is just there to bridge the gap between the family therapist and the family baby.

Potential nicknames: Andy, Sandy, Amy, Amp, Also, ;, +, /

5. Felony

Melanie is out, and Felony is in. This name is so cute and unique, it should be a crime. Get a head start on your kid’s rebellious phase by setting your expectations high.

Alternatively, Felony is a great way to put some reverse psychology into play. Have you met anyone named Grace or Patience who is actually graceful or patient? Exactly. Chances are a teen named Felony won’t even dare jaywalk for fear the cops will get a real kick out of arresting them.

Potential nicknames: Fifi, Ella, Arson, Embezzlement, Robbery, Disorderly Conduct

Reach Adah McMillan at letters@collegian.com or on Twitter @mcadahmillan.