Editor’s Note: This is a satire piece from The Collegian’s opinion section. Real names and the events surrounding them may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not read the editor’s notes are subject to being offended.

As the end of the spring semester quickly approaches, some students face the difficult task of telling their parents they failed all their classes and dropped out of college. 

Whether it is because of a drinking problem that got out of control or you “accidentally” slept through all your morning classes once again, sometimes college just gets the best of you. 

It is almost impossible to escape the guilt as you watch your mom burst into tears and your dad explode into a fit of rage because you wasted thousands of dollars. However, for those who find themselves in this unfortunate situation, there are certain methods you can use to alleviate the tension.

With a little bit of deception and a sprinkle of trickery, you can shamelessly twist the truth about your failure as a student into a less incriminating story that ensures you will still be invited to Christmas dinner. 

Here are four useful ways to tell your parents you flunked out of college.

1. Throw your siblings under the bus

The easiest and most effective way to deflect blame from yourself is to sell out your siblings by reminding your parents of all their horrible mistakes from the past.

Aggressively bring up your sibling’s worst wrongdoings, such as any car accidents or arrests in order to make dropping out of college seem less disappointing.

Do not be afraid to gaslight each parent by blatantly exaggerating how much more problematic your siblings are compared to you. This will help shift all your parent’s anger away from you and toward your siblings.

“Rather than take accountability for your actions, lie and manipulate to the best of your ability to gain as much compassion and pity as you can. Your parents will not blame you for something if they do not think it was your fault.”

2. Invent a scandal that makes you look like the victim

This next method requires more effort than the previous one; however, if it is executed correctly, you will be completely relieved of all blame and guilt.

Spend a few hours manufacturing a ridiculous yet believable story in which you are the helpless victim of a cruel system that threw you out of college for no reason. Include enough details to make the story realistic but not enough to make it verifiable.

Perhaps you could claim that a professor wrongly accused you of cheating or that you were expelled for getting too many parking tickets. Either way, assure your parents that absolutely nothing can be done to get you back in school and that it is time to move on. 

Rather than take accountability for your actions, lie and manipulate to the best of your ability to gain as much compassion and pity as you can. Your parents will not blame you for something if they do not think it was your fault. 

3. Pretend you made millions investing in cryptocurrency

In recent years, the cryptocurrency world has exploded with many finance bros promising it is the best way to get rich. Due to its complexity and volatile nature, cryptocurrency offers the perfect space to fake becoming a millionaire.

Simply explain to your parents that you took the money they gave you for tuition and invested it in some kind of cryptocurrency or NFT that skyrocketed in value. Now that you are worth millions of dollars, earning a degree and landing a career are no longer necessary.

You may need to rent a luxury car for a day or splurge on some designer clothes to make the lie more believable. Then, after a few months or so, pretend your cryptocurrency investments completely tanked and are now worthless.

At this point, your parents will likely have forgotten about your failing out of college, and you will be given a fresh start.

4. Write an article for The Collegian about ways to tell your parents you dropped out of college

I did not have the heart to tell you in person.

I am sorry, Mom and Dad.

Reach Aaron Peck at letters@collegian.com or on Twitter @Aa_peck7.