Editor’s Note: This is a satire piece from The Collegian’s opinion section. Real names and the events surrounding them may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not read the editor’s notes are subject to being offended.

Starting the 2022 fall semester without a university president has been tough on the Colorado State University community. That is why CSU is proud to announce its new university president, who will be filling the position after Joyce McConnell left in June.

The search was intense, and the university search committee wanted to hear from all stakeholders of CSU. The search committee knows they have made the right decision in their pick. 

The university president is a crucial role; they lead the university. No position could be more important.  

In line with the diversity and equity goals of the university, the new hire checks off some unique diversity hire boxes that may never have been checked before or will ever be checked again.  

Interim President Rick Miranda announced that CAM the Ram will be named the new university president and that he will be stepping down — effective immediately — to allow CAM a smooth transition.  

Once the idea was presented, the decision was an easy one to make. CAM the Ram is a leader by nature, and it is only right that he gets a chance to lead the university. 

“The CSU community knows CAM as the cute sheep he is, but now they will have the opportunity to know him as their leader.”

When McConnell was hired as university president back in 2019, she was the first woman to be named president of Colorado State University. Now, with this hire, CAM the Ram will be the first sheep to be named president. 

A large factor that went into consideration for CAM’s hiring was his popularity with the student population. McConnell had the student population split with her leadership style, but CAM is likely to unite the student body.  

“During a time of intense turmoil and social unrest, we thought it important to hire a president that every student could get behind,” Miranda said. 

CAM is accustomed to living on his private ranch, where he is surrounded by his family, Ram Handlers and veterinarians. CAM has made the selfless decision to leave the comfort of his private ranch and move his office to The Oval. This will put CAM closer to the Administration Building, where CSU presidents have traditionally worked.

CAM asks that students, staff and adoring fans alike respect his space as he begins his new job.  

In his introductory press conference, CAM, who is a ram of few words, was asked if he would continue his game day duties during his presidency. CAM, being the team player he is, replied, “Yes.” 

Only the best of the best would have the stamina and willingness to be at a CSU football game the way CAM normally would, let alone with his new duties as university president. 

The CSU community knows CAM as the cute sheep he is, but now they will have the opportunity to know him as their leader.