Editor’s Note: This is a satire piece from The Collegian’s opinion section. Real names and the events surrounding them may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not read the editor’s notes are subject to being offended.

Well, Colorado State University has done it again! Throwing curveballs is a talent possessed by both those in the athletic department and apparently CSU Housing & Dining Services! 

Everybody knows CSU is the obvious choice for any first-year student looking for a fabulous college education (that’s right — I worked a University of Colorado Boulder dig into this), and CSU capitalizes on that sexy reputation year after year. This year, our school flew a little too close to the sun, and guess who’s being pelted with the wax of those melting Icarus wings? First-years. 

If living in a makeshift dorm-common-room-turned-bedroom with piles of bunk beds wasn’t enough, nearly 150 students are being shipped to the nearby Best Western University Inn for some continental breakfast and temporary housing. 

Although the university has made it clear these students are not simply fending for themselves amid the regular guests, it’s clear CSU may have greatly overestimated its housing capabilities in the face of that blinding tuition money. 

“If you want to feel more at home, take your lanyard, put your hotel key in the little sleeve that holds your RamCard and, of course, wear it around your neck constantly. It’s a first-year rite of passage.”

First and foremost, shoutout to the Best Western for getting in on those cash-cow first-years. I’m no business major, but it seems like a pretty sweet gig.

If you thought the COVID-19 pandemic made your first year unpredictable, try living in a hotel. Who needs a dorm experience, right? It’s not like it’s an integral part of your college life. 

I’m sure the Best Western has great water pressure, and you don’t have to share a communal bathroom with 20 other 18-year-olds. It might be awkward to stack all of your cute, Pinterest-inspired dorm decors in the corner amid a cookie-cutter hotel room, but it’s college, dude.

Ever heard of inserting a little chaos into an already stressful experience and just going with the vibes? Who needs to feel settled in a new and foreign place? I know I don’t. 

If you want to feel more at home, take your lanyard, put your hotel key in the little sleeve that holds your RamCard and, of course, wear it around your neck constantly. It’s a first-year rite of passage. 

If you’re one of the wax-covered first-years experiencing hotel life and college life at the same time, just know you’re not alone. There are literally 150 people in the same boat. Just sit back and enjoy “The Suite Life of Zack & Cody” adventure CSU has so generously put you on. 

Reach Bella Eckburg at letters@collegian.com or on Twitter @yaycolor.