Editor’s Note: This is a satire piece from The Collegian’s opinion section. Real names and the events surrounding them may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not read the editor’s notes are subject to being offended.
FORT COLLINS, Colo. — Something is rotten in the northern part of the state of Colorado.
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Just last night, Fort Collins Police Services raided Mattress “R” Us Number 75, located on College Avenue somewhere south of Prospect Road. Officers told Collegian reporters three employees were wounded during the raid as they attempted to flee across the icy parking lot.
The FCPS raid was organized when an anonymous caller who “sounded a lot like Kylo Ren” informed officers that large amounts of cocaine were hidden inside of Mattress “R” Us Number 75’s substantial quantity of mattresses. They weren’t lying.
“We found enough booger sugar to kill every single one of Pablo Escobar’s pet hippos,” Officer Action J. Jackson told The Collegian. “I honestly don’t know how the perps smuggled so much in.”
Following the raid, K-9 units were able to confirm that every single mattress in the store, which occupies over four acres of property, was stuffed with various narcotics. Drug dogs had to rotate 10-minute shifts after one dog, Duke Goodboy IV, got a contact high from the abundance of cocaine.
“He’s got a real bad case of the zoomies, for sure,” said Duke’s handler. “But he’ll be alright.”
Interviews with local residents found that questionable activity has surrounded the international mattress vendor since it first arrived several years ago.”
After tracking down a number of mattresses that Mattress “R” Us Number 75 recently shipped out to customers, FCPS found that several of them contained narcotics. Customers who purchased those mattresses are being investigated, but it is unlikely they were complicit in whatever is going on here, FCPS says.
“Oh, jeez, I just couldn’t believe my eyes,” said Callie Raddo, one of the unsuspecting customers. “Wondered why my back pain mysteriously disappeared after I got that mattress!”
Her son, Bradchad Raddo, also bought a mattress.
“I wonder if (those mattresses) were supposed to go to drug mules,” he said. “Like in that movie ‘The Mule’ with Clint Eastwood. That’d be cool. I mean, not cool, illegal, but still, you know?”
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Still, not all of the mattresses that Mattress “R” Us Number 75 shipped out to customers have contained illicit substances. According to Old Lady Aggis, a longtime customer with the store, she once “found a few ticks in the seams of a twin mattress, but they seemed liked decent ticks who wouldn’t get into that kind of thing.”
That sweet, sweet blow wasn’t all the mattress store carried.
“Some mattresses had weed inside of them,” remarked Officer Lights B. Strobin. “That just makes no sense in Colorado. Just walk down the road to buy pot — no need to be all sneaky about it.”
Interviews with local residents found that questionable activity has surrounded the international mattress vendor since it first arrived several years ago.
Drug dogs had to rotate 10-minute shifts after one dog, Duke Goodboy IV, got a contact high from the abundance of cocaine.”
“I see vans without (license) plates come and go all the time,” said Willy-Bob Slick, who lives behind Mattress “R” Us Number 75. “It’s like, super sus.”
Other residents reported similar activity, such as shouting coming from the store’s warehouse early in the morning, but chose to remain anonymous.
Mattress “R” Us Number 75 has not answered The Collegian’s requests for comment.
By now, it’s second nature for students in Fort Collins to drive past a mattress store like Mattress “R” Us Number 75 without thinking twice. After all, there are 420 stores just like it between here and Denver. After last night’s events though, it might be in our best interest as dutiful citizens to keep our eyes peeled for any more suspicious activity. The Collegian certainly will.
For now, nighty night, sleep tight and don’t let tweaking bed bugs bite.
Cody Cooke can be reached at letters@collegian.com or on Twitter @CodyCooke17.
