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Somewhere along the way in the formation of the patriarchy, society decided to prioritize the pleasure of those with penises over those with vaginas. Aside from our inherent biases, it’s easy to understand why: vaginas are confusing.

Unlike the penis, you need to put a little bit more time into understanding all the bits and pieces, and it isn’t as easy to identify a vaginal orgasm as it is for a penile orgasm. The solution is to not just prioritize the pleasure of the individuals with a penis. It’s time we respect the p*ssy.

The most crucial component of any vagina is the clitoris. If you don’t know what that is … oh, boy! There is a very good chance you haven’t gotten off an individual with a vagina if you aren’t well-versed with this amazing part of the body because according to a large body of research, only one in four individuals with vaginas will consistently experience orgasms during vaginal intercourse. 

If you don’t know where the clit is, it’s time to swallow your pride and look up a diagram of the vagina. Better yet, ask the individual you are having sex with. Do you know what’s sexy? Someone asking where on my body they should focus to make me feel good. Do you know what’s not sexy? Not prioritizing the pleasure of the person you’re having sex with.

“The solution is not to just prioritize the pleasure of the individuals with a penis.”

Verywell Health describes the clitoris as a bundle of nerves about the size of a pea located at the top of the vulva. In layman’s terms, it is at the head of the p*ssy lips. Though, I can’t tell you the exact motion you should go for when stimulating the clitoris because vaginas are like snowflakes; they’re all beautiful, but different. Some like circular motions, some like up and down and some prefer side-to-side. Just ask!

What I can tell you is you are probably going to have to work faster than you might think. Have you ever felt how fast a vibrator works? You can ask to watch your partner masturbate, and take note of how fast their fingers are moving — those are the motions you should be replicating. If this is too fast in the beginning, your trusty friend the vibrator will work wonders. 

If you’re feeling like a real pro (upon receiving enthusiastic consent of course), you can try fingering the vagina in conjunction with the clitoral stimulation. Note that the vagina should be completely aroused at this point. 

“Only when the vagina is well lubricated should penetration occur.”

Here is what a clitoris is not:

• A button: you cannot just press on the clitoris like it is a special magic button that will automatically get your partner off.
• A piece of candy: please don’t bite anyone’s clitoris. 
• A breathalyzer: you would be surprised at how many times the vagina is blown on. If you like this, power to you, but a good rule of thumb is that typically a cold puff of air on a vagina is going to be ticklish more than anything else.

The next stage of this anatomy lesson is the part I assume many readers have been waiting for! When does the penetration occur? WebMD explains that when someone with a vagina becomes aroused, blood vessels in the vagina dilate, and this increased blood flow causes fluid to pass through the vaginal walls. 

Only when the vagina is well lubricated should penetration occur, be it with a penis, fingers or a sex toy. Think of it this way — how difficult do you think sex would be with a soft penis? It’s just as difficult when the vagina has not been efficiently prepped. 

Keep in mind that most people with vaginas will not come to climax from penetration alone. Try to give the clitoris some attention during the process of penetration, or encourage your partner to get themselves off while being penetrated. Let’s be honest, they probably know the right motions better than you do.

As WebMD explains, during the orgasm stage in the sexual response cycle, when the vagina reaches a climax, the person will experience involuntary muscle contractions. This is really the only dead giveaway that a person with a vagina actually experienced an orgasm, so here’s a fun nursery rhyme for you: if it didn’t contract, then head on back. 

If all else fails, communicate, communicate, communicate! The most important part of being good in bed is making sure that all participants involved are giving continuous, enthusiastic consent! Additionally, asking if what you’re doing feels good to the other person shows that you care about their pleasure, which is super hot!

I know vaginas can be intimidating, but take your time. It’s not a race. Practice consent, use protection and have fun!

Cat Blouch can be reached at letters@collegian.com or on Twitter @BlouchCat.