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Neustadter: Leggings are not pants

Editor’s Note: This is a satire piece from The Collegian’s opinion section. Real names and the events surrounding them may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not read the editor’s notes are subject to being offended.

Regardless of where you’re quarantining, leggings have become a ubiquitous fashion staple. Deemed the ultimate lounge pants, they’re seen as cute and comfortable while professional enough for a work meeting.

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Obviously, leggings are very popular and “fashionable.” But just because they are popular does not mean they should be viewed as a sign of someone’s fashion sensibilities. Leggings are a lazy, ugly alternative to pants that need to be stopped.

Think about it: When was the last time you saw someone wearing a pair of leggings? Chances are it was a Becky who wanted to show off her brand new Lululemon. Or maybe it was some chick in an Arby’s grabbing takeout.

Leggings have become the great equalizer. They are worn by people from all different backgrounds, who may share nothing else in common besides their terrible fashion choice. Leggings might be the most reductive and basic fashion staple to ever exist; due to their hegemonic nature, the ubiquity of leggings needs to be disrupted. 

If you choose to go out in public wearing leggings, then you might as well go out naked. At least then you’d have some semblance of dignity.”

People claim that you can wear leggings anywhere. This is false. In reality, you shouldn’t be wearing leggings anywhere.

No one wants to experience plumber’s crack or camel toe, yet thousands of people subject themselves to these harsh realities when they wear leggings in public. If you choose to go out in public wearing leggings, then you might as well go out naked. At least then you’d have some semblance of dignity.

At the very least, put on another pair of pants over your leggings. Who cares if you look ridiculous in ripped jeans with hot pink leggings underneath? You will be comforted in the knowledge that you are not succumbing to the idiocy of leggings that thousands of others stoop to every day.

In my youth, I was a fervent believer in the power of leggings. Everyone wears them, I thought. They look great, they’re comfortable and I can get ready in five minutes, I thought. Looking back on these sentiments, I now see that they were all lies perpetuated by a manipulative fashion industry seeking to lure in unsuspecting youths.

If you or a loved one have developed a legging obsession, there is a way out. Thousands of other more fashionable pant choices exist. Parachute pants, leather pants and bell-bottoms are just a few of the acceptable alternatives that can replace your leggings. The more unique your pant choices are, the more you are doing to disrupt the hegemony of leggings. 

We can all do our part to stop the legging machine. Education is the first step, which I have tried to accomplish here. In realizing that leggings are not pants, you have now taken the first step in your personal battle against leggings.

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Corinne Neustadter can be reached at letters@collegian.com or on Twitter @corinnen14.

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