Seriously: Coronavirus’s impact on Fort Collins

Ethan Vassar

Editor’s Note: This is a satire piece from The Collegian’s opinion section. Real names and the events surrounding them may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not read the editor’s notes are subject to being offended.

The coronavirus, a new strain of disease that had not been previously identified in humans, has become the next big thing for Americans to self-centeredly freak out over. As expected, Fort Collins health officials are taking this pathogen very seriously. The City and Colorado State University are expected to take some measures and issue warnings to ensure their inhabitants are safe from the disease. 

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“The most important thing when preventing something from a simple cold to this coronavirus is practicing good hygiene habits,” said a CSU health official. “It sounds cliche, but always wash your hands with soap and water. Due to our research, we would recommend staying away from frat houses.” 

A frat house is usually quite a disgusting place and perhaps the closest anyone can ever get to experiencing what living conditions were like in medieval Europe. Avoiding them shouldn’t be too hard for most people. CSU health officials recommend that anyone considering going to a frat house reconsiders this decision and their life as a whole. 

Sources say that the University considered making the face masks free to students — similar to blue books — but decided the potential financial gain was too hard to pass up. “

The CSU Bookstore is also doing their part to protect students from contracting the coronavirus. The Bookstore plans to unveil a line of antiviral face masks adorned with the ram head logo in March.

“We at the Bookstore care a lot about the health and safety of the students,” said a University Bookstore employee. “We also care a lot about money.”

The coronavirus has provided the Bookstore an opportunity to fulfill both its purposes: supply students with the tools they need to succeed and make the University more money. The antiviral face masks will come in three colors: white, green and gold, and they can be charged to a student account.

Sources say that the University considered making the face masks free to students — similar to blue books — but decided the potential financial gain was too hard to pass up. 

An article about the coronavirus isn’t complete without addressing the most obvious joke: that the virus has something to do with the Corona Extra pale lager. This joke is perhaps the lowest of low-hanging fruit, and similar to Corona’s “a Corona gets its lime” ad campaign, every time someone makes a joke in this vein, I die a little inside. 

The coronavirus is a very serious matter, and we at The Collegian will keep you updated with health reports. (Or you can just check your email. The University loves sending those).

Satirical writer Ethan Vassar can be reached at letters@collegian.com or on Twitter @ethan_vassar.