Seriously: Student returns to Fort Collins with renewed hatred toward city, CSU

Ethan Vassar

Editor’s Note: This is a satire piece from The Collegian’s opinion section. Real names may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not read the editor’s notes are subject to being offended.

FORT COLLINS – Becky Harrington has only been back in Fort Collins for two weeks but is already bored out of her mind. The junior would have loved to spend all summer break in the Caribbean, but her vacation had to be cut short in order to attend a summer class at Colorado State University. For Harrington, having to come back to campus early has reignited both her hatred of college and the city of Fort Collins in general.

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“There’s literally nothing worthwhile to do,” Harrington explained. “The mall sucks, Horsetooth gets old and even if the bars were cool, I would have no one to go with.”

Among Harrington’s previous frustrations with Colorado State were its AUCC requirements and parking costs. Her time away has given her a fresh perspective that helped fuel her renewed hatred.

Harrington is voicing a frustration many have with summer in Fort Collins. The city itself is vapid, devoid of any interesting things to do, and campus is a ghost town. Construction is still present on campus, and parking hasn’t gotten any cheaper. Even the infamous “top five whitest things to do” list got old after a while.

“Without my friends, I’ve realized how lame Fort Collins actually is,” Harrington said. She goes on to explain how desperate she was for entertainment. “At one point I even considered doing an escape room all by myself. Summer in Fort Collins really makes you sink to new lows in terms of what you consider fun.”

These sentiments expressed by Harrington have inspired hundreds of other students and even CSU faculty to come forward with their own harrowing stories of summer in Fort Collins.

Tristan Sullivan, who wished to remain anonymous, recalled one summer in Fort Collins spending an exorbitant amount of time on Tinder and Bumble, even paying for unlimited swipes and for his profile to be boosted and promoted on both apps.

“Please don’t use my real name,” he pleaded. “Doing something that embarrassing just goes to show how little there is to do in the summer if you’re in Fort Collins. I hated it.”

Professor Howard Stevens came forward about his mistake in teaching a summer class, admitting to being either drunk, high or asleep anytime he wasn’t lecturing. He also credits that summer in Fort Collins as the reason for his divorce and the lost custody of his children.

“I wish I could go back and convince myself not to teach that course,” he said. Stevens also wished that his wife, Barbara, and children, William and Sadie, not be mentioned in this article.

Harrington, too, wishes she never took a summer class. She warns others against stepping foot in the city of Fort Collins over the summer and has started a support group for those who have to deal with their newfound hatred. Summer in Fort Collins just isn’t worth it. 

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Satirical writer Ethan Vassar can be reached at letters@collegian.com or online @ethan_vassar.