Seriously: Jonas Brothers will perform at RamFest 2019

Kenia Ortiz

Editor’s note: This is a satire piece from The Collegian’s opinion section. Real names may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not read editor’s notes are subject to being offended.

This school year, Colorado State University has the privilege to announce that the Jonas Brothers are headlining for the annual CSU RamFest.

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“You just have no idea how stoked I was when I heard it from my friend, who has a friend, who heard it from her cousin that works at the CSU Event Planning Center!” Virgina Calloway, a third-year molecular biology student and self-proclaimed Jonas Brothers expert, said. “I used to have my room walls covered with Jonas Brothers posters and clippings!”

Rumor has it that all three Jonas Brothers applied to CSU — but only one of them got in and turned it down in fear of separating from the others. CSU’s Admissions Office was unavailable to specify which one, seeing as its entire staff took a last-minute trip to Hawaii the day after the announcement. 

“First of all, there are actually four Jonas Brothers,” Calloway said when we asked about the admissions rumor. “And I’m sure it was Kevin. He’s, like, the smartest one.”

The Jonas Brothers will be kicking off RamFest with the fan favorite “Burnin’ Up” from 2008. The performance will include fire, fireworks and bubbles — Canvas Stadium will also be filled with water to recreate the music video. CSU Rams will feel like kids again as they watch Disney’s famous boyband take the stage at their school.

“I usually don’t go to RamFest,” Teagan Mathers, a fourth-year English literature major, said. “I never really enjoyed it the first two years I went. But it’s the Jo-Bros, man. I have to go!” 

Their performance will also include other favorites such as “Year 3000,” “S.O.S.,” “Sucker” and “When You Look Me in The Eyes.”

“I just want to see Priyanka Chopra,” said Charlie Welling, a fourth-year chemistry major. “I hope Nick brings her. I could treat her to some Krazy Karls.”

Not only will the Jonas Brothers be performing at RamFest, but they will also be staying after to sign autographs and take pictures. They will be bringing 500 signed posters, t-shirts and old albums to give to fans.

“It’s such a privilege to be invited to CSU,” Joe Jonas said. “Honestly, Sophie and I like CSU way more than CU Boulder.”

When asked why he liked CSU over CU Boulder, Joe casually shrugged and said, “We like the colors green and gold better. Plus, rams are cuter than buffaloes.”

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Kenia Ortiz can be reached at letters@collegian.com or online at @Kenia_Ortiz_.