Editor’s Note: This is a satire piece from The Collegian’s opinion section. Real names may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not read the editor’s notes are subject to being offended.

FORT COLLINS – In conjunction with the Colorado Department of Public Health and Environment, the Colorado State University Health Center has issued a warning to all Fort Collins residents urging them to make changes to their sexual appetites this summer. In the official statement given earlier this week, the Health Center identifies car sex as a very high risk activity that many may engage in this summer. 

Some might ask: why the risk? Heatstroke from the rigorous activity taking place in a locked car with the sun, and God’s judgmental gaze, beaming down could result in hospitalization or death. The National Safety Council reports 52 children died from heatstroke after being locked in cars for an extended period of time. The CSU Health Center worries that car sex in the summer heat could raise the number for teens and adults. 

“When I was a teenager, all we had to worry about with car sex was getting gentleman’s relish stains on the upholstery or serial killers,” one CSU Health Network official said. “It’s crazy how much more kids have to worry about nowadays.”

Another official made comments regarding climate change, saying, “If you didn’t believe in climate change before potential summer car sex related deaths, I bet you do now.”

This holds true for CSU sophomore Chad Saban, who was an avid climate change denier prior to hearing about the car sex warning from the CSU Health Center. 

“Yeah, I thought climate change was a bunch of bullshit, but then when it started interfering with my extremely lively and active sex life, I took a closer look,” Saban explained. “Now I realize that if we don’t make significant changes, car sex could become a thing of the past.”

In addition to these remarks, Saban was adamant that the The Collegian made sure its readers knew that he has sex — like, a lot of it. 

Both the CSU Health Center and Colorado Department of Public Health and Environment know that there still will be those who choose to engage in car sex despite the risks, and they have several suggestions to minimize the risk of heatstroke-related death. 

“Drinking and having plenty of water on hand is an absolute must and probably the most important,” a department member said.

The department also recommends sticking to less laborious sex positions like missionary or doggy style rather than excruciatingly involved sex positions like the side straddle or the bridge that will tire both parties out quicker. 

More tips can be found at the CSU Health Center website, so stay safe Rams!

Satirical writer Ethan Vassar can be reached at letters@collegian.com or online @ethan_vassar.