SERIOUSLY: CSU recommends treating finals stress with memes, THC dependency

Marshall Dunham

Editor’s note: This is a satire piece from The Collegian’s opinion section. Real names may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not read editor’s notes are subject to being offended.

With finals week fast approaching, the Colorado State University Health and Medical Center wants to remind students that it’s important to have healthy coping mechanisms for stress, such as looking at memes for several hours and being mentally dependent on marijuana.

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“Healthy coping mechanisms make or break a student’s mental health during finals week,” remarked CSU Counselor Mari Meyers. “We find that there are several great ways to make sure you’re taking care of your mental health.”

Meyers went on to explain how memes can really do the brain wonders this time of year.

“You’re busy, and you’re working really hard,” Meyers stated. “Your brain needs a break, and one of the best ways to do that is to crawl down an Instagram meme hole for several very unproductive hours.”

She remarked that, after a few hours of staring at memes, the student should suddenly be snapped back to reality after realizing they haven’t blinked or moved for two or three hours.

“Another really healthy and recommended coping mechanism is becoming mentally dependent on marijuana,” explained Meyers. “It’s amazing how much stress goes out the window when you’re toasted all the time.”

She explained that, unless a person is physically incapable of eating or sleeping without the use of marijuana to aid them, chances are they’re doing it wrong.

“Another really healthy and recommended coping mechanism is becoming mentally dependent on marijuana. It’s amazing how much stress goes out the window when you’re toasted all the time.”

“It’s not enough that you’re using every day,” explained Meyers. “You need to have your brain chemically wired to crave marijuana every time you’re met with a tiny amount of stress or adversity.”

Meyers later talked of some “dated” coping mechanisms that aren’t really accepted in the mental health community anymore.

“The idea that you can mitigate your stress by getting enough sleep or exercise is simply pseudoscientific nonsense at this point,” Meyers explained. “Eating a healthy diet, being extremely organized and not procrastinating things until the very last minute just doesn’t work anymore.”

Meyers concluded by saying that students can often keep their mental health in check by verbally reminding themselves that “it be like that sometimes.”

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Marshall Dunham can be reached at letters@collegian.com or online at @gnarshallfunham.