Seriously: CSU reaches man bun capacity, reports hipster

Marshall Dunham

Editor’s note: This is a satire piece from The Collegian’s opinion section. Real names may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not read editor’s notes are subject to being offended. 

In an alarming announcement yesterday, James Huntley, self-proclaimed hipster and senior art major, announced that Colorado State University had officially reached its capacity for man buns.

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“There’s just too many men on campus who are growing out their hair and tying it into a bun,” Huntley said.  “I know I’m wearing a man bun right now, but I’m allowed to. I wore man buns before they were cool.”

Huntley explained that the information that man buns were overly abundant on campus stemmed from the 2018 Hipster Census.

“It’s not a widely-known census,” Huntley stated. “You’ve probably never heard of it before.”

Huntley went on to explain that not only was CSU at its cap for man buns, but that it also was nearing its limit for several other fashion trends as well.

“The numbers for trucker hats and Patagonia puffy jackets are growing at alarming rates,” explained Huntley, sporting a mustache that obviously had hair product in it. “Rolled up jeans and Doc Marten boots are also at an all-time high, and that’s not OK. It was my style first.”

Huntley then passionately proffered a phenomenally prophetic perspective.

“If we don’t do something soon, I’d say we’re on track to surpass CU Boulder as the pretentious hipster capital of the country,” Huntley explained while sipping a double wheat-grass non-fat soy vegan latte and smoking an American Spirit. “I don’t know about you, but that sends shivers right down my suspenders.”

“If we don’t do something soon, I’d say we’re on track to surpass CU Boulder as the pretentious hipster capital of the country.”

Men aren’t the only one who are reaching the capacity for fashion trends, Huntley claims.

“For girls, white Adidas and leggings have both seen spikes in the last few years,” Huntley said, while wearing a flannel scarf. “Not to mention the terrifying increase in compass, feather, rose and ‘wanderlust’ tattoos.”

When asked if the hipster stereotype was just another generation’s valiant effort to be unique, and if this drive to be extraordinary actually bred the opposite of uniqueness among millennials due to making every individual fall into the same type of image, Huntley shrugged before explaining that he got his eyeglasses at a 3D movie.

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Marshall Dunham can be reached at letters@collegian.com or online at @gnarshallfunham