Editor’s Note: This is a satire piece from The Collegian’s opinion section. Real names may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not read editor’s notes are subject to being offended.

FORT COLLINS — Colorado State University has been cracking down on dismount zone enforcement in recent months. Due to an increase in bicycle and skateboard-related incidents on campus, the University will soon require students to dismount any sort of contraption with wheels that aids in commuting.

This means that even students who require the assistance of a wheelchair will have to remove themselves from their chair and make their way across the dismount zone.

“The University didn’t want it to come to this,” CSU President Tony Frank said regarding the matter. “It’s unfortunate, but these required steps must be taken to ensure student safety. That is our number one priority.” 

Many students are outraged at the measure the University has taken and feel as though it is obscenely unnecessary.

“I get that people were kind of blase´ and CSU was lenient about the whole dismount zone thing but this is just ridiculous,” said student Charlie Xavier. “My legs literally don’t work, I need a wheelchair to get around, so now I have to map out a whole new route to class to avoid dismount zones.”

This sentiment is shared by many who are in the same boat, or rather wheelchair, as Xavier. Many directed their frustration about the new policy to the Student Disability Center. Thankfully, their complaints and worries did not fall on deaf ears.

The University published a pamphlet to educate students and to quell their worries. The pamphlet both outlines the most optimal routes around campus which stray away from dismount zones and includes strategies for making it across a dismount zone. 

The first strategy the center suggests is to find a friend that will carry the student across the length of the dismount zone, then bring the wheelchair over as well before continuing en route to class. There has also been suggestions that members of Greek life devote some of their time to this by making it a requirement with their pledges.

Secondly, if a friend or panhellenic member isn’t available, pulling oneself across the dismount zone along with the wheelchair is a suitable alternative. Similar to how surfers have their board strapped to their ankle, the center recommends students take a similar approach so they can drag it along with themselves. 

“This is the best solution to help the University avoid a possible lawsuit” Frank said. Wheelchairs pose a great risk to students who do not pay enough attention, and it is easier and more cost effective to accommodate students this way.” 

The viability of these strategies remains up in the air, as they have yet to be tested: CSU will begin enforcement of this policy starting after Fall break. Like it or not, you’ll be coming back to a much different CSU.

Satirical writer Ethan Vassar can be reached at letters@collegian.com or on Twitter @ethan_vassar.