Seriously: CSU in search of their first supreme witch

Kenia Ortiz

October 29, 2018

Editor’s note: This is a satire piece from The Collegian’s opinion section. Real names may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not read editor’s notes are subject to being offended.

FORT COLLINS — This Halloween, Colorado State University will announce the first supreme witch in CSU history.

“I am so excited to finally prove myself,” junior Katie Oli said. “Ever since ‘American Horror Story: Coven’ aired I knew I had it in me to be a supreme witch.”

Starting Oct. 29, witches will gather at the Oval during witching hour to prove that they are supreme witch worthy.

President Tony Frank, who is also an avid “American Horror Story” watcher, is rumored to be participating as well.

“I think it is a great way to get into the Halloween spirit,” Frank said with a smirk when being interviewed about the supreme witch elections.

Frank has also been rumored to be walking around during work telling his office assistant 23 times a day, “Witches get a bad rep nowadays. I feel like I can change that.”

Men, women and non-binary peers, as well as students and staff, are welcome to vote for and run for the position of the first CSU supreme witch.

Qualifications for proving that one is supreme worthy include but are not limited to, telekinesis, mind reading, the ability of being a human voodoo doll and mind control.

Being able to fly on a broom, wearing a pointy hat and owning a black cat is not required but would definitely serve in a contestant’s favor.

“We haven’t won a Rocky Mountain Showdown since I have been here,” senior Tym Berton said. “Maybe with a supreme witch backing us up we could finally change that.”

The elected witch will continue to be the supreme for CSU until they graduate or another witch comes along and proves they are more powerful.

The CSU supreme contest has caught so much attention that Fiona Goode, former supreme witch from “American Horror Story: Coven,” will be announcing the first CSU supreme Oct. 31.

“Of course there is no better supreme than I,” Good said, as she let out a puff of cigarette smoke and ran her fingers through her hair. “At the end of the day, in this whole wide wicked world, the only thing people should be afraid of, is me.”

Kenia Ortiz can be reached at letters@collegain.com or online at @Kenia_Ortiz_.

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DEVIN CORNELIUS, Digital Managing Editor

Devin Cornelius is the digital managing editor for The Collegian. He is a fifth-year computer science major from Austin, Texas. He moved to Colorado State University and started working for The Collegian in 2017 as a photographer. His passion for photography began in high school, so finding a photography job in college was one of his top priorities. He primarily takes sports photos, volleyball being his favorite to shoot. Having been on The Collegian staff for 4 1/2 years, he's watched the paper evolve from a daily to a weekly paper, and being involved in this transition is interesting and exciting. Although Cornelius is a computer science major, his time at The Collegian has been the most fulfilling experience in his college career — he has loved every second. From working 12-hour days to taking photos in Las Vegas for the Mountain West Conference, he cannot think of a better place to work. Working as a photographer for The Collegian pushed him outside of his comfort zone, taking him places that he never expected and making him the photographer he is today. As the digital managing editor, Cornelius oversees the photos, graphics and social media of The Collegian along with other small tech things. Working on the editorial staff with Katrina Leibee and Serena Bettis has been super fun and extremely rewarding, and together they have been pushing The Collegian toward being an alt-weekly. Outside of The Collegian, he enjoys playing volleyball, rugby, tumbling and a variety of video games. When in Austin, you can find him out on the lake, wake surfing, wake boarding and tubing. You can expect that Cornelius and the rest of The Collegian staff will do their best to provide you with interesting and exciting content.

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