Editor’s note: This is a satire piece from the opinion section of the Collegian. Real names may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not like reading editor’s notes are subject to being offended.

FORT COLLINS, CO—According to a Friday press release by the CSU Health Network, FOMOS (Fear of Missing Out Syndrome) will now be classified as an anxiety disorder.  

FOMOS is characterized by intense anxiety and worry, uncontrollable perspiration, and elevated heart rate. These symptoms emerge when one is faced with multiple social or recreational events. The afflicted individual either feels unable to choose one, or is incapable of attending any due to other obligations.

According to Brian Stone, a psychiatrist at the CSU Health Network, rates of the disorder have skyrocketed since the term “FOMO” was first popularized on Urban Dictionary in 2006.

“Students these days are just so wound-up,” says Stone. “And I think it’s because they’re overwhelmed with the amount of ways to wind down.”

Health care professionals aren’t the only ones concerned about this epidemic. Students themselves recognize the debilitating effects of FOMOS.

“I remember one night when FOMO gave me a legit panic attack,” shares Trista Greene, a junior ironically studying Psychology. “I had the addresses to three parties, there was this lit concert in Old Town, and my friends wanted to go clubbing in Denver. I was honestly paralyzed. Like, how could I ever pick just one?”

But there may be hope for those suffering.

A preliminary research trial has just finished for a new drug, generically referred to as Calmdownopram . The drug was tested on those between the ages of 18 and 24 to simulate how it would affect a college demographic.

“It’s good to know there might be a treatment in the future,” says Rodney Drake, an undeclared freshman who has never been let into a frat party. “But it doesn’t change the fact that FOMOS is low-key hard to live with.”

Columnist and satirical writer Lauren Willson can be reached at letters@collegian and online at @LaurenKealani