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Seriously: Entire ASCSU student body to be impeached

Editor’s note: This is a satire piece from the Collegians opinion section. Real names may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not like reading editors notes are subject to being offended.

FORT COLLINS– This week, the Colorado State University Board of Governors has decided to impeach the entire Associated Students of Colorado State University (ASCSU) student body.

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The decision came after academic and student affairs vice president, Kim Jordan, allegedly fainted while sitting in the most recent board meeting due to being overwhelmed. The board was discussing the procedures that will be taken for incumbent president, Michael Wells.  

“ASCSU is just on their bullshit and I was way overwhelmed,” Said Jordan. 

CSU President, Dr. Tony Frank, advised the board to completely impeach the entire ASCSU body. This has been an idea that Frank has been questioning ever since he had an epiphany last year.

The idea to get rid of ASCSU came to Frank after an angel appeared in a dream and told him it would be his, “legacy at CSU to bring order to the University by abolishing all student government.”

“Frankly, I am just tired.” Said Frank, “I wish I had been impeached instead of Silva so I wouldn’t have to deal with this. I am glad I had that epiphany– I can finally be the president these students need.”

The impeachment petition against ASCSU was brought up by Frank and will be read at the next ASCSU senate session. According to Frank, the petition entails that ASCSU, “was just too annoying to exist anymore and it needed to be killed with fire so that people can focus on things that matter.” 

Sophomore senate member, Rain Martinez, is pretty upset about the decision to get rid of ASCSU.

“They discontinued House of Cards on Netflix… and now they have cancelled ASCSU as well,” said Martinez, “Where am I supposed to get my daily dose of political drama?”

Satire writer and opinion editor Allec Brust can be reached at letters@collegian.com or online at @allecbrust.

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