The Student News Site of Colorado State University

The Rocky Mountain Collegian

The Student News Site of Colorado State University

The Rocky Mountain Collegian

The Student News Site of Colorado State University

The Rocky Mountain Collegian

Print Edition
Letter to the editor submissions
Have a strong opinion about something happening on campus or in Fort Collins? Want to respond to an article written on The Collegian? Write a Letter to the Editor by following the guidelines here.
Follow Us on Twitter
Lando Norris in Miami. Accident win or the birth of a new star?
May 17, 2024

  On May 5, 2024, an essential event for Formula 1 occurred in Miami. One of the favorites of the world public, the Briton Lando...

Satire: New club helps freshman who can’t get into parties

Editor’s note: This is a satire piece from the Collegians opinion section. Real names may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not like reading editor’s notes are subject to being offended.

Fort Collins — If you’re a freshman boy who struggles to find a party, walks miles to get there, only to be rejected at the door, then this new support group could be for you.

Ad

This newly established organization helps freshmen boys learn to cope with rejection while teaching them strategies to get into parties. Max Wallace is the founder of the group, properly named Freshman Boys Club.

“The club was created to help guys like me who aren’t in a frat and can’t get into parties,” Wallace said. “I prefer to call us the Freshman Guys Group, sometimes just ‘da bois’ for short.”

The Freshman Boys Club has developed a few strategies to help those who want to get into a party be more successful.

“If you’re a freshman guy and want to party, we want you to do it smart,” Wallace said.

Here are 3 ways to save yourself:

  • Ditch the forever green t-shirt and lanyard
  • Tell the doorman that you are a neighbor from down the street
  • If you don’t have a strong guy to girl ratio, just say you helped pitch

The support group also welcomes members who have given up on trying to get into parties.

“Every Friday and Saturday night we meet in the Parmelee lobby and play Yugioh,” Wallace said. “I’m fine with this, I didn’t want to party anyway.”

While the group was recently started, Wallace has plans to grow in the following year. Wallace said they are going to get a large off-campus house next year where everyone in the support group can meet. To fund the growing organization, the support group will start collecting dues from its members and may have to limit the number of freshman it accepts.

“Next year we will have an off-campus house where everyone will be able to come and party — so long as you are a current paying member of our club or have a strong guy to girl ratio.”

Ad

Satire writer Ty Betts can be reached at letters@collegian.com or online @tybetts9.

Leave a Comment
More to Discover

Comments (0)

When commenting on The Collegian’s website, please be respectful of others and their viewpoints. The Collegian reviews all comments and reserves the right to reject comments from the website. Comments including any of the following will not be accepted. 1. No language attacking a protected group, including slurs or other profane language directed at a person’s race, religion, gender, sexual orientation, social class, age, physical or mental disability, ethnicity or nationality. 2. No factually inaccurate information, including misleading statements or incorrect data. 3. No abusive language or harassment of Collegian writers, editors or other commenters. 4. No threatening language that includes but is not limited to language inciting violence against an individual or group of people. 5. No links.
All The Rocky Mountain Collegian Picks Reader Picks Sort: Newest

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *