Tougaw: An ode to the campus megaphone man–what would we do without you?

Taylor Tougaw

I would like to take this moment to call out one of our campus heroes: The megaphone-holding, Bernie-worshiping, man-bun wearing dude screaming about voting.

The first time I saw you, you were carrying around a Donald Trump pinata with a rope hanging around the neck. At this moment, I knew you were the hero we needed. I tried to confront you about it and ask why you thought that was okay, but all you could manage was to tuck your tail between your legs and whimper away, nary giving me a word in retort. It was then that I learned that not only were you tolerant and righteous in your beliefs, but I realized you also had a spine to back them up!

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Just yesterday, I had a meeting with my professor at the very tippy-top of Clark B. As I was walking there, I thought to myself “Gee, I haven’t voted yet. I hope someone incessantly shouts at me, telling me how to vote while I’m in a meeting with my professor.”

Lo and behold, my wish came true; for the entire hour that I was in his office, I heard you through your megaphone loud and clear:

“If you don’t vote today, you’ll never get to vote again!”

“If Donald Trump gets elected, the world will burn up and die!”

(At least, that’s what I heard.)

Maybe the fact that your megaphone is covered with ‘I’m with her’ stickers distorts what people hear coming out of it, but who knows. Thankfully, every professor that has an office anywhere near you heard your message at least once– or 75 times.

I just wish people had more classes in the day so they can hear your incessant blabbering. Most people only have to hear you in between every. single. one. of their classes, but this clearly isn’t enough– people should have to listen to you even while they’re in class! I’m so glad that you don’t have any classes of your own, because then who would be out yelling at people to vote?

I also want to congratulate you on your voter intimidation tactics. As I was standing by your supposedly neutral booth, somebody came up and asked you where to drop ballots off. You replied “If you aren’t with Hillary, I can’t help you.” It was everything I could do to not applaud you right then and there. Again, a phenomenal response. Way to keep those opposing viewpoints in check. After all, you didn’t shout at people to vote for hours and hours just to have them actually go vote, did you?

When Hillary wins, you should pat yourself on the back long and hard. After all, you pretty much single-handedly swayed Colorado in her direction.

So, keep that man-bun tight and those jeans awkwardly rolled up at the bottoms. Don’t let anyone tell you to stop, because no one can do you better than you, boo.

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Please note that this article contains sarcasm. Big time.