LTTE: Administratium

Carl Patton

The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by a team from Colorado State University. The element, tentatively called Administratium, has no protons or electrons, and thus has an atomic number of zero. The new element is also found to have only one neutron. However, it also has 15 vice neutrons, 70 associate vice neutrons and 161 assistant vice neutrons. This gives it an atomic weight of 247.

Since it has no electrons, Administratium is chemically inert. However, it can still be detected by non-chemical means. This is because Administratium impedes every reaction that it comes in contact with. According to the CSU team, a minute amount of Administratium added to one normally fast-acting reaction caused it to take over four days to complete. Without the Administratium, the reaction occurs in less than one second!

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Administratium has a normal half life of approximately two years, at which time it does not actually decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which the assistant neutrons, vice neutrons and assistant vice neutrons exchange places. Some studies indicate that the atomic weight actually increases after each reorganization.

Research indicates that Administratium occurs naturally in the atmosphere. It tends to concentrate in locations such as government agencies, large corporations and certain nonprofit organizations. It is especially prevalent in large state-funded research universities. In such universities, Administratium can usually be found in the newest, best-appointed and best-maintained buildings.

The discoverers warn that Administratium is known to be toxic. Symptoms of infection include lethargy, listlessness and the avoidance of meaningful work. Doctors recommend plenty of fluids and bed rest after even low levels of exposure.

The CSU team, known as CSU-FAAS, or CSU Faculty Against Administrative Subterfuge, also reports one especially potent Administratium isotope, labeled as BOG-TF. A small amount of BOG-TF planted anywhere on campus, no matter how small or inappropriate the area, will cause little football stadiums to sprout up spontaneously, but only if sprinkled with a liberal amount of borrowed (not private) money.

Reported by Carl Patton, CSU Emeritus Professor

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