Tony Frank is Haunted

Sarah RomerOver the past couple of semesters, I have become increasingly convinced that Colorado State University President Tony Frank is haunted. The symptoms are there for anyone to see, so there is no need to thank me for my brilliant insight.

CSU has been having massive reconstruction projects with new buildings popping up both on campus and off, at places like the foothills lab. There was not much construction on campus for years, as evidenced by how old some of the buildings are, and then all of a sudden everything was under construction.

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It would be one thing if all the construction seemed to make sense but when projects like the “study cube” defacing the library are taken into account, I am even more convinced of the presence of spirits. There is just no logical reason for a person who is not haunted by spirits, to build such a thing.

I understand that for some of you that might be a big step to take. How does excessive construction have anything to do with Tony Frank being haunted?

Stephen King has been accredited with some of the best horror stories of our time.

Unfortunately, a large portion of those are based on real stories. His famous story of Rose Red, turned into a miniseries event, was based on something called the Winchester Manor. The Winchester Manor, also known as the Winchester Mystery House, is even more terrifying than the story because it is incredibly true, just like what is happening around campus.

I know a lot of you hate history, but stay with me for a minute. William Wirt Winchester married Sarah Winchester. The Winchester family was responsible for some of the first repeating firearms and made guns that were said to have “won the west.” As you can imagine, many lives were lost to the bad end of a Winchester Rifle.

Sarah Winchester was extremely superstitious and I say that because only someone that into spirits would do what she did. When her husband died she was visited by ghosts who told her to move out west and build a home for the spirits whose lives were lost to Winchester Rifles and, here is the important part, if she ever stopped building, she would be killed by them.

This led to some of the most excessive construction projects in history because Sarah Winchester never once stopped building her manor for 38 years until the day she died. So now the manor is a maze of a home where rooms are sealed off, staircases go into ceilings, windows connect rooms indoors, and tourists frequently get absurdly lost. See, Mrs. Winchester felt that the equivalent 5 million dollars she spent on never stopping construction was confusing the bad ghosts, while providing a nice place to reside for the good ghosts.

But back to my point, which you hopefully have not forgotten throughout my history lesson. Tony Frank must now be in contact with similar spirits. The never ending construction, the pointless projects, (have you been in the cube? 80 percent of it is a bathroom and elevator, and a dropped pencil echoes through the limited space that’s left), and ridiculous amounts of money spent — all point to spirit involvement.

When visiting the website that is supposedly the host of the information regarding the current construction, I got several errors of pages not being able to load. It is the spirits!

I understand your reluctance to believe me. “Tony Frank never built any rifles,” you would say. You are correct, but he can also be seen as the responsible party for the very poor and unfortunate souls buried alive in student loan debt. It is the spirit of these victims that I believe now haunt our university president.

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But like Sarah Winchester, there must also be good spirits here as well, because how else do you explain such an impressive beard. It is unnatural and wonderful, and totally the spirits’ doing.