Editor’s Note: This is a satire for April Fools’ Day. Real names and the events surrounding them may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not read the editor’s notes are subject to being offended.
The illustrious student government of Colorado State University has implemented new principles of community on campus: incarceration and abstinence. To complement the new principle, RamJail — a new facility in the Andrew G. Clark Building A’s basement — has been constructed. Students can anticipate a stay for a number of offenses, including sexual activity and biking in dismount zones.
There are varying sentences for each crime, with the most common offense being engaging in sexual behavior.
“I’m really proud of this initiative, and I think it’s going to benefit the CSU community immensely,” said Braxton Dietz, the Associated Students of CSU vice president, who took the reins on the project. “Constantly hearing about, you know, those kinds of activities was always so harmful to my education, and I can’t wait to better the education and celibacy of my fellow Rams.”
The experience is enhanced by the offering of Kellogg’s Corn Flakes as the only meal available to students during their sentence.
With CSU’s rather abysmal track record against the University of Colorado Boulder, it is no surprise that being a CU fan will result in a minimum sentence of seven days, which can be increased up to two months depending on repeat offenses and which sport the prisoner endorsed; football earns solitary confinement. The CSU Police Department did reiterate that having a Heisman Trophy-winning player on their team does not lessen the sentence.
“I think it’s really a betrayal to your identity,” ASCSU President Nick DeSalvo said. “We should all be proud to be Rams. Those kids at CU have enough of an ego as it is. It’s a crime on this campus to prove them right.”
The maximum punishment is execution by firing squad on The Stump. The firing squad is comprised of The Collegina‘s staff, with Catholic Abortion leading.
While a less common offense, biking in a dismount zone is another occurrence that will land students in RamJail. However, some students have started a petition to make the entire campus bikeable and have no designated walking spaces. The petition has gained traction and, with it, opposition across campus. Some protests have broken out on The Plaza, with many students citing safety concerns. A student in environmental science spoke about their thoughts but requested to remain anonymous due to safety fears caused by bikers.
“I really think this is discriminatory toward pedestrians and those who prefer to not bike around campus,” an anonymous student said. “The assholes who speed past on bikes really need to do some self reflection on how they impact other people.”
Shortly after the demonstration, the student was involved in a collision between a pedestrian, a bike and a Grubhub delivery robot. No injuries were sustained, but angry comments were heard from Hughes Way.
In addition to serving time, punishment of public humiliation is brought upon those who drive Cybertrucks, Tesla’s newest display of automobile public indecency.
The spectacle is overseen by a graduate student from the computer science department. First, a booing circle of at least 100 people is organized, followed by two weeks of community service in landscaping. The landscaping aims to beautify campus and cancel out the bad vibes brought by the vehicle.
Other crimes that warrant RamJail include having a fishing photo on a dating app profile and being mean to the GrubHub delivery robots.
“They’re just trying to do their jobs, and they get harassed every day,” said a statement from CSU leadership. “Rams take care of Rams, and that includes robots, no matter how inconvenient they might be when walking in front of Clark.”
Reach Autism Memory at news@collegian.com or on social media @aubreem07.
