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New athletic director to eliminate football team, focus on competitive knitting

Note: This article is satirical.

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Steven Walker, previously the Rams’ tight end, is now one of the Knitting Team’s ultimate knitters. (Collegian File Photo)

The cheers are deafening as the crowd stands to its feet. The teams close, one right behind the other, as they continue on in the last 10 seconds. But CSU pulls ahead and finishes the wool scarf before CU can untangle their yarn. CSU takes the win.

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This is how athletic director Joe Parker has envisioned the CSU Rams next season. Parker announced Tuesday that his first act as the new athletic director will be to eliminate the CSU football program so that the players can focus on competitive knitting.

“This is an important sport that should be recognized,” Parker said. “Everyone cares about knitting, but I don’t think very many people care about football.”

CSU President Tony Frank, a self proclaimed extreme knitter, said he is in full support of the change.

“This is a historic day for knitters everywhere,” Frank said. “Our new competitive knitting team will be sure to fill the stands of the new on-campus stadium.”

CSU’s football players will begin training for knitting later this current season. They will start by knitting new uniforms for themselves.

“It’s exhilarating,” said Parker. “To know that these scarves, handbags and shoes are coming out of a game is exactly what people should be cheering for. Less injuries, more mittens.”

Parker said that he plans to donate all items made during games to Goodwill.

“I have always dreamed of something like this, and it’s finally coming true,” Parker said. “It will benefit more people than just the student body.”

Martin Warn, a senior on the CSU Rams team, has different ideas about the specific type of yarn used and what type of patterns. He is also excited for knitting to finally be recognized as a sport.

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“I think we should be using a sturdier yarn, which would help make the items last longer,” Warn said. “I also think there shouldn’t be any double stitches, only single. It would help us get a one up on the competition. This is just so exciting.”

So far, only one university has accepted this new transformation. There are no standard rules currently for the game. The NCAA has not recognized this as an official sport, but will determine a yes or no answer by 2050.

Collegian Sports Expert Dallas Head can be reached at knitting@collegian.com.

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