A secret cloning facility underneath Colorado State University’s Chemistry Research Building was discovered by university staff March 31. With it, evidence of an experiment on Associated Students of CSU President Nick DeSalvo has come to light.

Reddit-renowned geneticist John Taylor worked to create and monitor a clone of DeSalvo to allow him to finish off his second term without having to put in the effort himself. This means DeSalvo would not actually be the first two-term president in several decades; his clone is his own independent person who doesn’t need no man and is counted as a different president.

The original DeSalvo, who was found wandering around a Fort Collins Hobby Lobby, was asked to provide a comment.

“I love CSU, but if I’m being honest, the student body drives me crazy,” DeSalvo said. “I wanted to be able to hold the presidential role, but I also wanted to keep my sanity. This was the perfect compromise.”

Besides giving some of his DNA to be replicated, DeSalvo claims to have had very little to do with his clone.

“My main job was only leaving my apartment when the others told me I could without risking being caught,” DeSalvo said. “I had so much more time to spend my senior year doing things that brought me joy. I’ve gone through so many paint-by-number kits.”

DeSalvo (Taylor’s Version) has not been seen since the incident. He is believed to have fled campus and is a fugitive of the state. He could not be reached for comment.

Taylor was arrested for ethical violations and destruction of CSU property. His notes were confiscated, but it seems his technology has been theorized to work before.

After a few tries, Taylor had his breakthrough. DeSalvo’s DNA, alongside sugar, spice and white Monster Energy, merged in a test tube to create the perfect replacement president just in time for DeSalvo’s new term in August.

An unfortunate spill of chemical X in the lab led to a small fire in the Chemistry Research Building. The compound would have given DeSalvo (Taylor’s Version) mind control abilities to make the student body actually like him and care about what ASCSU does. Turns out it was unnecessary, as this clone was more charismatic than the original DeSalvo.

“I’m pretty sure everybody likes the clone better than me,” DeSalvo said. “He’s definitely funnier — everyone agrees on that. Sucks to hear that he’s run off. I never really got to interact with him at all to see if it was true.”

ASCSU Director of Public Relations Joseph Godshall said he was deeply involved in placing the clone.

“It was a logistical nightmare,” Godshall said. “Last year, critics were always digging around for dirt, so we thought it would be hard to keep quiet. We were lucky second Nick was so much more likable. For the most part, people backed off and didn’t ask too many questions once they realized he was chill.”

A lot went into keeping the secret for so long. Godshall had to work with Chief of Staff Jakye Nunley to keep the original hidden.

“We hid original Nick in the lab for a few weeks to make sure they weren’t seen in the same place,” Godshall said. “That was the hardest part. Do you know how much that man complains on a good day? Imagine how many emails I got with him down there. I was constantly running to craft stores to get him more grandma activities.”

While Godshall was on errand duty to convince DeSalvo to stay in the lab, Nunley oversaw keeping DeSalvo (Taylor’s Version) on track. He did not have all the original’s knowledge or drive to get things right.

“The hardest part was trying to get second Nick up to speed with the sheer number of emails Nick gets in a day,” Nunley said. “Original Nick was down in a basement complaining to Joseph while I was upstairs trying to make sure his clone wasn’t so obviously behind on everything.”

Nunley believed it was about time the scheme came to an end. With his term almost over, it made sense for the information to come out.

“New Nick was a great idea,” Nunley said. “We all knew the secret wouldn’t last forever, but a lot of great stuff got accomplished with him as the new president.”

Despite their best efforts at secrecy, some members of the organization had their suspicions.

“I actually heard Nick had been cloned over the summer,” Deputy Director of Marketing and Digital Media Lillian Coughlin said. “But I just figured, hey, that’s none of my business.”

Director of Basic Needs Jorja Whyte picked up on the ploy right away. All it took was one interaction with the new DeSalvo, and she had to be filled in by Godshall and Nunley to keep quiet.

“The difference was pretty obvious to me,” Whyte said. “New Nick was distinctly calmer than the original. He actually had a sense of humor sometimes, and I just knew that could not be the same person.”

Not everyone in ASCSU was able to pick up on the clues. Vice President Braxton Dietz claims to have thought he was working with the original DeSalvo all along.

“He was a bit different from the Nick I agreed to run with, but I thought it was a new campaign strategy,” Dietz said. “All of the sudden, he chilled out and got way more likeable.”

Because DeSalvo graduates this spring, there will unfortunately be no more clones to take his place. CSU has experienced its last semester of DeSalvo presidency, for better or worse.

“Three terms would be just too unbelievable,” DeSalvo said. “Plus, now that all of campus knows about this, I’m not sure it would work, at least not with my name being so recognizable.”

The rights to Taylor’s cloning technology are now being sold by CSU. Research into streamlining the process is being done by several other universities around the country, though nobody can seem to find out what “chemical X” actually is.

In other news, the ASCSU presidential and vice presidential candidate list has gained a new running pair: Dick SeNalvo and Daxton Bietz.