For the first time ever, the Sun has gone retrograde along with the Earth and sixty-nine of Jupiter’s moons. What does this mean for you? You should panic– like a lot. Tell everybody that the things going wrong in the world are due to astrology, whether it’s true or not. Be mean and loud whenever you can, this is because the Earth is retrograding and our new social norm is chaos. 

Don’t worry, after the Sun goes direct again, nobody will be able to blame you for your actions due to the memory loss. So go ahead and text your ex, the planet Venus actually told me personally that they want you back. NASA has also launched a spacecraft into the twin constellation in hopes of wiping out all Geminis, so hopefully by the end of the month we’ll be free of both of their faces. But for now, I’m putting my reading glasses on– I know what you need to hear, even if you don’t want to. 

Argue with the wall,
A Sag Mercury/Mars 

Aries (March 21 – April 19):

I want you to try something you’ve never done this week. Like, for instance, saying “you were right and I was wrong”, or maybe just finishing one of the projects you started and abandoned? Up to you, Aries. 

Taurus (April 20 – May 20):

It’s the same old routine for you this week, and every week really. you like things how you like them and you’re not much of a go-getter. Predictable, hedonistic, stubborn, forgettable, and never beating those boring allegations. Expect the same til you do different, Taurus. 

Gemini (May 21 – June 20):

Used as the butt of every “two faced” joke and tagged as overly chatty, the hate you get is undeserved. What you need to be ridiculed for is your complete inability to make a decision. You could tone down the lying a bit too, but I won’t overwhelm you with options, Gemini. 

Cancer (June 21 – July 22):

You’re too sensitive to hear what I want to say, so let me say this: your emotions control you and you will end up incarcerated unless you change your ways. That victim complex won’t hold up in court, Cancer. 

Leo (July 23 – Aug. 22):

You consider yourself a born leader, we perceive you as that customer that thinks the wait staff love them but only tips thirty cents. Your arrogance is disgusting, but your vanity will not let you distinguish honest criticism from a personal attack. Same time next week, Leo?

Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sept. 23):

Imagine checking your horoscope for advice after acting like you know everything. Wilddddd. Anyways, good luck Virgo!

Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22):

While you’re hiding behind that mask of diplomacy, remember that your pursuit of a drama-free life isn’t an excuse to be spineless. A friend to all is a friend to none. Try forming an opinion this week, Libra. 

Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21):

It pains me to admit, but you’re the thing in your way. You think most people are slow which makes you impatient, vengeful and unwilling to take other people’s advice. In other words, you’re a prick. Go make some friends this week, Scorpio. 

Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21):

I’m not gonna hold your hand when I say this: one day you’re going to flake and not have any friends to come back to. Let’s spend some time getting clear on the difference between freedom and loneliness this week, Sagittarius. 

Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19):

If you feel like a frigid bitch this week, it’s because you are. That stone mask you never let slip makes you seem cold and unrelatable, then you go and wonder why you can’t get close to people? Loosen up, for the sake of those around you Capricorn. 

Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18):

… .. -. -.-. . / -.– — ..- / .– .- -. – / – — / -… . / … — / ..-. ..- -.-. -.- .. -. –. / -.. .. ..-. ..-. . .-. . -. – / .- .-.. .-.. / – …. . / – .. — . / .– …. -.– / -.. — -. .—-. – / -.– — ..- / .–. .. -.-. -.- / ..- .–. / … — — . / .–. .-. .- -.-. – .. -.-. .- .-.. / … -.- .. .-.. .-.. … / – — / -… .- -.-. -.- / ..- .–. / – …. .- – / –. — -.. / -.-. — — .–. .-.. . -..- –..– / .- –.- ..- .- .-. .. ..- … .-.-.-

Pisces (Feb. 19 – March 20):

Be honest, why even read the horoscope when you’re just going to stay home, manipulate situations and be in your feelings like every other week? You don’t need the planets to tell you that you need a break from your vices. You know what they are, Pisces.