Editor’s Note: This is a satire for April Fools’ Day. Real names and the events surrounding them may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not read the editor’s notes are subject to being offended.
As students begin to come back after enjoying their spring break, Amy Parsons is beginning to head on out. The 16th President of Colorado State University announced that she will be taking three months off from her duties to pursue her lifelong dream of a rap and DJ career, taking on the new name Slim Blondee.
Leaked to Reddit on March 31, Parsons’ double life reveals that she has been posting over the span of 20 years on the musical streaming site SoundCloud under the name of Slim Blondee. Parsons has demonstrated a wide range of musical talent, from partaking in popular diss tracks to performing operatic covers of top 20 hits.
Parsons has even showcased her skill with instruments classically used in marching bands, such as tenor drum, cymbals and french horn. While these talents haven’t gone unseen, it is her DJ and rap career that has started to make a name for Slim Blondee.
“She was too good to go unnoticed, and she’s such as baddie while doing it,” Reddit leaker and fan Bavid Dowie said. “I just felt that it was way past time for the world to know about Slim Blondee.”
While to the outside eye this may seem like a side hobby that should have been left in the past, Parsons’ experience in DJing and rapping has left Slim Blondee with a large following in the United Kingdom. This large following as well as the leaking of her SoundCloud account has given Parsons the push she needed to pursue a professional musical career.
“My background in orchestra, choir, jazz band, garage band, symphony, percussion, opera singing and techno beat creation has nurtured Slim to be all that she is today,” Parsons said. “Slim is ready to take the stage and give the Brits what they want. Touring has always been a pipe dream, but thanks to a Reddit user and the TikTok rap community, my dreams are becoming a reality. It’s all so fetch.”
While all details of the tour have yet to be released, Parsons has revealed two big announcements to The Collegina as an exclusive. First, she will be kicking off the tour in Fort Collins’ very own Aggie Theatre.
“I’m so psyched to get my co-workers, students and employees together at the Aggie and introduce them to Slim,” Parsons said. “It’s going to be a super rad night.”
Parsons also announced that while the tour will be starting in Fort Collins, it will primarily take place in the United Kingdom, as that is where the majority of Parsons’ Soundcloud listeners were, prior to the news of her side hustle leaking to CSU students.
“Amy is the best, so I’m so excited to see her slay and thrive out there on stage,” CSU student and Slim Blondee superfan Norton Sparkles said. “She is a queen, and I want to be her when I grow up.”
It has also been revealed that alongside Parsons during her tour will be world renowned rappers Azealia Banks and ScHoolboy Q. Parsons’ team hopes even more attention to the tour and to her as an individual will accompany this collaboration, but many are confused as to how Parson has been living these two secret lives for so long.
“I mean, I can’t imagine being president of CSU, and she’s always been chill, but a double life? Amy is my new favorite DJ,” CSU student and Slim Blondee fan Icy Trin said.
As Parsons’ dreams begin to come true, CSU students have begun to worry that this change is permanent.
“The hype right now makes me shook,” Parson said. “As far as me never coming back to CSU, I mean, it’s kind of a ‘chat type one’ situation. I just got to give the people what they want.”
Reach Rizzle Cigcrust at entertainment@collegian.com or on Twitter @CSUCollegian.
