Life is too short to be wasted eating breakfast one section at a time. This is America after all, where taking time to enjoy life is an act of treason on par with disliking cheeseburgers or peeing on a picture of Tom Hanks. You have a duty to spread democracy to the far reaches of the Earth. You don’t have time to eat your bacon and then your eggs and then your veggies. 

This is why we have omelets — so you can simply mix your bacon, eggs and veggies together into a single, easily consumable lump of edible yellow rubber and hork all three down at once, freeing you to spend more time choking out the spread of communism. But which lump of yellow rubber is right for you? If you’re looking for a compact, hearty breakfast to fuel you up for a day of beating the ruskies, here are the best omelets around town to try out!

Manliest: Mountain Cafe — Mountain Cafe omelet

There was a time — a time before Oprah Winfrey reduced the nation into nothing more than a gaggle of prissy, weight-watching health nuts who start each morning off with half a grapefruit and a slice of sprouted multigrain toast with avocado, a time when men were men and spent their free time doing things like growing long scraggly beards and punching kittens and wrestling grizzly bears the way the good Lord always intended — when breakfast actually meant something.

There was a time when it wasn’t just something you shoved into your face every morning to pass the time while you waited to leave for work, but a meal with real substance and grit and dirt rubbed all over its rugged, beefy, cougar-clawed face that was absolutely necessary in giving one the energy needed to kickbox wolves with their bare hands.

For those who prefer their omelets big and burly, as in these bygone days of yore, there’s Mountain Cafe’s Mountain Cafe omelet — a surly blend of steak, peppers, cheese and onions all folded into a nice, dense pile of eggs smothered in green chili. Loaded with plenty of fat, protein and pure untamed testosterone, this omelet is a delicious and hefty start to the morning and provides all the fuel necessary for a day of strangling 7-foot-long rattlesnakes in the wilderness.

For those who prefer their omelets big and burly, as in these bygone days of yore, there’s Mountain Cafe’s Mountain Cafe omelet — a surly blend of steak, peppers, cheese and onions all folded into a nice, dense pile of eggs and smothered in green chili.”

Fittest: Cafe Bluebird — bacon avocado frittata

If pummeling wild animals isn’t your thing and you’re the kind of person who has fallen prey to Oprah’s evil scheme to take over the world one three-point breakfast at a time, then Cafe Bluebird’s bacon avocado frittata is the option for you. I’ll bet just hearing that name you already feel 2 pounds lighter.

This omelet is so good for you, it’s not even called an “omelet,” but the infinitely classier “frittata.” It sounds like the kind of thing that’s been whispered during a sexy Latin dance in the space between conga drum solos (*dun-dun-dun-duh-dun!* — *beat* — frit-tat-ta!).

In all seriousness though, as much as I loathe any and all things that help my heart function properly and further Oprah’s devious plot for world domination, Bluebird’s frittata is actually quite good. In addition to the bacon and avocado, the dish is complemented by a smokey layer of sauteed onions and tomatoes and is topped with melted Monterey Jack cheese, giving it a delicious and hearty flavor without the added calories — so you can eat tasty food while still feeling superior to your ham-and-bacon-guzzling peers. Oprah would be proud.

In addition to the bacon and avocado, the dish is complemented by a smokey layer of sauteed onions and tomatoes and is topped with melted Monterey Jack cheese, giving it a delicious and hearty flavor without the added calories.”

Most death-defying: Back Porch Cafe — carnivore omelet

Mountain Cafe’s omelet might hearken back to the good ol’ puma-pummeling days of the Old West, but Back Porch does one better, hearkening back to the Paleolithic era — when man was not even man yet, but still existed as a belly-scratching, mammoth-meat-munching mashup between Homo sapien and hairy-apien — with its carnivore omelet.

This deliciously greasy pile of ham, sausage, bacon, mushrooms, onions, peppers and cheddar cheese all crammed into an overflowing egg wrap is the perfect meal to awaken your inner protein-pounding, saber-toothed-spearing Neanderthal.

Plus, it comes served with homemade cheddar sourdough bread and a fully charged defibrillator should things go awry (I’m only kidding about the defibrillator of course. You eat this mountain of cholesterol at your own cardiac risk).

From a health standpoint, you would probably be much safer simply shoving a cork in your arteries and hoping for the best. But then you would miss out on all the juicy, meaty deliciousness that this griddle-fried game of Russian roulette has to offer, and what fun is that? While the dish itself may not be the most heart-healthy, it is certainly the heartiest entry on the list and is worth the risk of consumption.

From a health standpoint, you would probably be much safer simply shoving a cork in your arteries and hoping for the best.”

Smoothest: Silver Grill Cafe — hominy, mushroom and chorizo omelet

Admittedly, the hominy, mushroom and chorizo omelet is not a set menu item at Silver Grill, but rather a creation coined by yours truly from the cafe’s “build your own omelet” section. But at the risk of sounding egotistical (which I most humbly assure you I am not, as you can tell by my use of the word “humbly” to describe my assurance of this fact) my “build your own omelet” is the best omelet ever built by any omelet builder in the history of omelet building.

The chewiness of the hominy offers a nice textural contrast with the spicy, crumbly chorizo and the mushrooms — mushrooms just make everything better, whether it be pizza, stir-fry or the 1939 Technicolor masterpiece “The Wizard of Oz.”

However, I can’t take all the credit for this concoction, as it isn’t so much the ingredients that make Silver Grill’s omelet so fantastic, but rather the smooth and shimmery preparation of it. It’s a crisp, clean, tightly rolled pocket of egg that’s smooth, symmetrical and shiny enough that you can see your reflection in it. It’s a simply gorgeous offering.

Mushrooms just make everything better, whether it be pizza, stir-fry or the 1939 Technicolor masterpiece ‘The Wizard of Oz.’”

Cheesiest: Lucile’s Creole Cafe — Creole omelet

Put the word “Creole” in front of anything and I have an immediate instinct to shove it into my mouth. I can’t help it. I would eat a Creole-cooked Cadillac convertible if it were offered to me. There’s something simply magical and addicting about Cajun spices and Creole-seasoned food. It’s a cuisine that has perfected the balance between spicy and salty — so that neither sensation ever overpowers the other. Lucile’s Creole omelet is no exception.

Packed with spicy Louisiana sausage, diced ham, cheese and the restaurant’s signature Creole sauce, then topped off with homemade sausage, it’s a Creole addict’s dream. Beyond the naturally alluring spiciness of its Creole base, it’s the omelet’s endlessly stretchable cheesy filling that makes it such a treat.

Biting into the omelet is like opening a Pandora’s box of melted mozzarella. Like a handkerchief being pulled out of the sleeve of a clown, it simply never ends. It just keeps coming and coming and stretching and stretching on and on forever.

I can only assume that’s why the cafe’s wait is always so long — the second people bite into their omelets, they don’t leave but instead just sit pulling out a single, endless string of cheese day in, day out, for the rest of their lives until they die and turn into dusty skeletons with the cheese strand still clenched between their lipless teeth. That’s just a hunch though. Regardless, for the lactose-loving individuals among us, there’s no better choice than Lucile’s.

Biting into the omelet is like opening a Pandora’s box of melted mozzarella. Like a handkerchief being pulled out of the sleeve of a clown, it simply never ends.”

Scotty Powell can be reached at entertainment@collegian.com or on Twitter @scottysseus