Dave’s Marketplace: the indoor outhouse

Davis English

Note: This article is satirical

The bathroom has been and will always be a sanctuary to reflect on the day and play endless hours of phone games. Few, however, have ever seen the john as a design statement or a piece of personal flare. This all changed a few weeks ago with the advent of the indoor outhouse.

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Popular among NASCAR and WWE enthusiasts, the indoor outhouse was invented to bring the magic of squatting over a hole in the ground into our very own homes. The revolutionary idea has already caught on in the south and is expected to make its way north shortly.

Design specifications of the indoor outhouse include a hole that goes from your main floor to your basement, a human excrement scented air freshener, absolutely no ventilation system and a complimentary roll of half-ply toilet paper. The available colors include hunter orange, camo, tie dye and navy blue.

Senior Seabiscut major and cashier at Lowes, Ashley Iglesia, says that the indoor outhouses have been flying off the shelves faster than Lowes can stock them.

“These beautiful stinkers are selling like hotcakes,” Iglesia said. “I’ve never seen an item go this fast. Our Lowes professionals will come and remove your old toilet and plumbing and install one of our indoor outhouses free of charge. But we will need a few money dollars for our time and effort.”

The indoor outhouse isn’t just getting local recognition, but has entered the national conversation as well. Editors at Consumer Digest have released a statement stating that the stall will be earning their coveted “Product of the Year Award” and the Museum of Modern Art in New York City has even included the invention in their “Revolutionary Innovations to Watch” exhibit.

With orders from countries like China, Venezuela, Trinidad and Tobago and Bosnia, the indoor outhouse is sure to change the way the world uses the bathroom. In the meantime, keep your eyes peeled for the indoor gardening shed, coming soon from the makers of the indoor outhouse.

Dave’s Marketplace Contributor Davis English can be reached at entertainment@collegian.com.