Collegian April Fools’ edition

Collegian Staff
April 1, 2015

The Cube at Morgan Library becomes the “Hot Box”

Students patiently wait in the engulfing cloud of smoke that surrounds the new Hot Box establishment at all times. Though some are skeptical about someone getting a contact-high, one student in line was heard saying, "I'm high as hell and I'm like 40 feet away from the door." (Photo credit: Abbie Parr)
Students patiently wait in the engulfing cloud of smoke that surrounds the new Hot Box establishment at all times. Though some are skeptical about someone getting a contact-high, one student in line was heard saying, “I’m high as hell and I’m like 40 feet away from the door.” (Photo illustration: Abbie Parr)

By Rick Cookson

Late night studying just got a lot more uplifting.

To promote higher learning, CSU’s administration officially announced the transforming of the Cube into the “Hot Box.” Instead of an outlet for 24-hour studying, the Hot Box will be a place to kick back and roast a couple bowls throughout the day.

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Board of Governors approves new squirrel facility, to be funded through stockpile of nuts

By Chrissy Vessa

Acorn_SquirrelThe Board of Governors voted Thursday to approve a plan that will create a 20,000 square foot facility dedicated to educating squirrels at Colorado State University. The decision was passed unanimously by a vote of 8 – 0.

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Plaza preacher revealed to be a demon, students have mixed reactions

By Danny Bishop

The Lory Student Center Plaza. (Photo by Katie Schmidt)
The Lory Student Center Plaza. (Photo by Katie Schmidt)

It’s demon season on the Plaza.

The infamous CSU Plaza preacher shed his mortal form and revealed himself to be a demon Tuesday. His guise of piety was cast away when his skin melted off, a scaly lizard-like epidermis was revealed and his eyes were set ablaze with black fire.

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Jim McElwain hired as University of Colorado’s newest football coach

By Keegan Pope

McElwain_CUBUFFSIn a shocking turn of events, University of Colorado head football coach Mike MacIntyre was forced to resign after allegedly hitting an elk with his car while driving home from a wine-and-cheese tasting party last week. This incident comes on the heels of a Boulder police officer being sentenced to four years’ probation for illegally killing a trophy elk on Jan. 1, 2013.

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Let’s celebrate U + however many you want

By Haleigh McGill

Haleigh McGill
Haleigh McGill

The U plus 2 occupancy rule is well-known by residents of Fort Collins who are renting homes, especially students of Colorado State University who move off-campus after their first year. This rule makes it difficult to embrace the true college lifestyle: out-of-control heaps of garbage overflowing with crushed up beer cans and wine boxes following insane nights of loud music and rowdy drinking games that fuel our angsty disregard for authority and hierarchy.

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ASCSU debates should be done food-fight style

By Alexandra Stettner

Alexandra Stettner
Alexandra Stettner

Last week, ASCSU held debates for their presidential and vice presidential nominees. It’s great our school has a forum not only for student representation, but also for them to freely express their views in a competitive, democratic and friendly environment. However, I find this all a little boring.

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New athletic director to eliminate football team, focus on competitive knitting

By Dallas Head

Steven Walker, previously the Rams' tight end, is now one of the Knitting Team's ultimate knitters. (Collegian File Photo)
Steven Walker, previously the Rams’ tight end, is now one of the Knitting Team’s ultimate knitters. (Collegian File Photo)

The cheers are deafening as the crowd stands to its feet. The teams close, one right behind the other, as they continue on in the last 10 seconds. But CSU pulls ahead and finishes the wool scarf before CU can untangle their yarn. CSU takes the win.

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Tony Frank requests to be called ‘The Wizard’ from now on

By Caitlin Curley

CSU President Tony Frank presents his annual fall address. In the speech Frank highlighted University accomplishments and challenges still left to tackle. (Photo Credit: Skyler Leonard)
CSU President Tony Frank presents his annual fall address. In the speech Frank highlighted University accomplishments and challenges still left to tackle. (Photo Credit: Skyler Leonard)

CSU President Tony Frank stood up at a Board of Governors meeting Tuesday and asked to be called ‘The Wizard’ from now on.

“I don’t think the name Tony demands enough respect,” The Wizard said. “I think I deserve a new, better name. And, I just bought a cape and hat on Amazon, so it just makes sense.”

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Tony Frank’s recent erratic behavior subject of new reality show

By Anna Groeling

With rosy cheeks and the smile that students have come to know as President Tony Frank's most common facial expression, Frank lets out a chuckle during the Collegian's Q & A. (Photo credit: Abbie Parr)
With rosy cheeks and the smile that students have come to know as President Tony Frank’s most common facial expression, Frank lets out a chuckle during the Collegian’s Q & A. (Photo credit: Abbie Parr)

CSU’s chancellor and president, Tony Frank, has stirred reports and concerns after being found in the Oval screaming at his favorite tree. His new behavior has been described as “unusual” and “geometric” by the University’s faculty, art majors and various campus squirrels.

“I saw Frank climbing a tree once,” said unconcerned sophomore Kyle Kale. “It’s nice to see him in his natural habitat.”

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Ken’s Comments: Top five pop culture events to look forward to in late 2015

By McKenna Ferguson

This year is going to be insane. Popular culture is getting real, folks.

Television is getting more and more intense. Movies are pretty much sequels, exclusively. Rihanna is slowly taking over the world by collaborating with basically every artist who ever lived.

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Collegian staff can be reached at editor@collegian.com.