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How ‘Bout Them Lemons Newsletter: We finally move plot along

A Quick Thank You:

We here at the How ‘Bout Them Lemons Lemonade Stand Newsletter would like to thank our loyal readers for sticking with us through, even after that disastrous tour of the glue factory. It is with a heavy heart that we continue forward, each step dragging along the victims, forever conjoined to our flesh and, less literally, our hearts.


Congratulations to…
Old Man Jebediah, for returning from the grave as what can only be described as a “Spooky Ghost Man.” Welcome back, pal.


For those who are still reading, and not literally over our shoulders, we have finally been forced move the plot forward and go rescue our friend/one-legged beat reporter/replacement-for-Montana-Jones, Dakota James, who has been stuck at the now abandoned Ol’ Horsetooth Lighthouse/Ol’ The Hall Monitor-Herald offices since Dec. 12, 2014, the year of our Lord, Lorde, the musician behind the best damn single of that year.

This year looks to be the year of our Lorde, Iggy Azalea, and it is our solemn hope that next year will be the year of our lorde, the How ‘Bout Them Sing Songers, our newly minted boy band. Please buy our latest album, “Hips Don’t Quit,” which, tragically, we were unable to finish because our producer, Joe “Hips” Maybury, quit midway through the recording process. With what little of our money remained, we wrote one last song begging him to stay, “Don’t Go (Joe).” We then proceeded to name the record after our song about hitting the clubs, which frankly, we phoned in.

More Exposition:

Inside the Ol’ Horsetooth Lighthouse is a supercomputer that is said to write all RamTalk submissions in a desperate bid to approximate human emotion, and, legend has it, even used to write those old Hall Monitor-Herald articles. The ransom note seemed to imply that the supercomputer had taken Dakota James hostage, partially because it was written in binary, and partially because that is what it said in binary.

Even More Exposition:

Ha-Ha! Gotcha! Just Kidding.

Seriously Though, A Little More Exposition:


Because he was more interested in writing F. Scott Fitzgerald fan-fiction than writing news articles, Montana Jones faked his death so as to get out of his contract for The Hall Monitor-Herald. Soon, however, he realized that he loved the beat and returned to The Hall Monitor-Herald as Dakota James.

How Do I Know All This?

Because I am the Supercomputer.




Shut up.


And so we were off, to the abandoned Ol’ Horsetooth Lighthouse, to rescue our friend Dakota/Montana James/Jones and end this ridiculous lemonade stand plot.

How ‘Bout Them Lemons is run by Lauren Funai, Niles Hackmeister, Chris Vanjonack and Andrew Walker. Send your story ideas to

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