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The Rocky Mountain Collegian

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How ‘Bout Them Lemons Newsletter: In response to our numerous critics

Welcome back to the How ‘Bout Them Lemons weekly newsletter!

Sharp-eyed readers may remember that at the end of last week’s edition, we had discovered a mysterious ransom note. Don’t worry—we’ll address it—but first we wanted to respond to some of our vocal critics. We’ll hold off on replying to our mute critics until next week.

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In particular, we wanted to address the comments made on CTV’s biweekly newspaper review show, “Cam and Frank at the Newstands” which airs from 2:30 a.m. – 4:30 p.m. twice a week every other week, which, as everyone knows, is what “biweekly” means.

“Cam and Frank at the Newsstands” (or “C&F @ the Ns,” as they demand it be called) is hosted by Colorado State University president Tony Frank and his beloved unpaid-freshman-wearing-an-anthropomorphic-ram-costume, Cameron Theodore Ramsworth.

Cam and Frank review the best and worst in newspapers, newsletters and news stand operators. Most recently, they reviewed the debut issue of our newsletter. The review, which, frankly, we feel included too much profanity, blasted us for including a cliffhanger ending—the aforementioned ransom note thing.

Although in the end Cam and Frank gave us two hoofs and three index fingers up, they also said that the inclusion of a cliffhanger implied we were “unfamiliar with the genre,” “desperately trying to increase readership” and “barely even a ‘lemonade’ stand.”

To this we say, look at all this newslettery stuff that we’re going to talk about before we even address that ransom note:

Lemon Production News

Although Fort Collins is known as the Lemon Capital of the Northern Colorado area between Loveland and Wellington, there has been a drastic decrease in lemon production. Exasperated scientists explained that this was likely due to Fort Collins not being a town that produces lemons. We’ll continue to investigate this disturbing blight.

Happy Birthday to …

… Old Man Jebediah! Our rascally uncle/father/lemon squeezer turned 15 today. Keep on smashing those lemons, Jebediah. Something tells us you’ll be getting a brand new hammer in your birthday stocking!

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Articles we would be writing if we were still a newspaper:

  • “Greek Week pretty weak,” says Greek geek Billy Leak
  • Study: Fleet of mail trucks weirdly romantic in moonlight
  • Fraternity fears they’ll never top “Gals and Dinosaurs” themed party

This Week’s Lemon of the Month:

That little brat, Bobby Jameson, who keeps trying to put us out of business with his five-cent lemonade and fourth grade education. Damn you, Bobby!

Next Week on the How ‘Bout Them Lemons Newsletter:

Will we actually get to the bottom of this ransom note? Better read next week! Cliffhanger! Cliffhanger? Cliffha—

How ‘Bout Them Lemons Weekly Newsletter is run by ex-The Hall Monitor-Herald writers Lauren Funai, Niles Hackmeister, Patrick Hohne, Chris Vanjonack and Andrew Walker. Please send your handsome ransom notes to thehallmonitorherald@gmail.com.

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