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The Rocky Mountain Collegian

The Student News Site of Colorado State University

The Rocky Mountain Collegian

The Student News Site of Colorado State University

The Rocky Mountain Collegian

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How ‘Bout Them Lemons Newsletter: Dr. Supercomputer’s Ransom

Welcome to the third edition of your second favorite lemon-themed Lemonade Newsletter!

As our avid reader is probably aware, we still have not addressed the ransom note that has been sitting patiently under our lemonade stand for two weeks now. Worry not, dear readers, the note is still sitting there, soaked in what the FDA technically does not qualify as lemonade and we will get to the bottom of it, just as we got Lassie to the bottom of that well, but hopefully with less rabies.


After aggressively forcing a passerby to read it to us, we found that the note, written in alphabet soup letters, told us that we must return to our abandoned place of dwelling/workplace/alligator pit or our friend Dakota James will “get it.” After digesting the information and eating all of the alphabet shaped noodles, we decided that the former staff of The Hall Monitor-Herald had to return to the Ol’ Horsetooth Lighthouse. Which we will do next week. But for now, dear readers, here’s the squeeze:

Ransom Note

Dear humans,

000100100110010100101000111000010101001011001010101010101010101000000011111111111111111111110000000111010110101011111. 000101010

Love and Kisses,

Your supercomputer, Dave

Rest in Peace to …
Old Man Jebediah, our resident lemon squisher. You’re up in heaven now, squishing angels.

Happy Anniversary to …
Old Maid Jemimah, Old Man Jebediah’s beloved wife. Make it a great one!

Three Celebrities You’d Never Guess Were Actually Lemons


Tina Fey – Though considered a daywalker lemon by most, Tina Fey squeezed her own identity into American eyes as she revealed herself to be Liz Lemon (a character based on her spirit fruit, she claimed in an interview) and her career has faced a juicing ever since.
Jack Lemmon – Okay, maybe you’d guess that.
Betty White – America’s sweetheart, best known for her leading role in the show “Golden Girls” has recently revealed her secret as a lemon.

Next Time on the How ‘Bout Them Lemons Newsletter:
Will we finally get to the bottom of this ransom note business? Guess you’ll just have to keep reading!

How ‘Bout Them Lemons is run by Lauren Funai, Niles Hachmeister, Patrick Hohne, Chris Vanjonack and Andrew Walker. Please send your ransom notes and money to

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