Dave’s Marketplace: Veil lifted on Pimp Juice

Davis English

Note: This article is satirical.

Pimp Juice: is it unethical?

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A new study has recently brought to light new facts about the controversial juice that just may leave you speechless.

“Pimp Juice” is a debated energy drink that is widely known to leave the consumer with a newfound desire for purple velvet suits and cheetah print car seats in their ’97 Oldsmobile and/or ’84 Buick. The effects of the beverage have been studied extensively, but it is the production side that is currently under fire.

Much like orange juice, Pimp Juice is in the class of beverage known to juice-ologists as “freshly squeezed.” This means that each can, glass or 40 oz. bottle of Pimp Juice is squeezed directly from fresh pimps. One look inside Pimp Juice’s factory, and it becomes clear that Pimp Juice is not the ethical company it claims to be.

Sophomore Greek yogurt major and sneeze guard enthusiast Ashlynn Churk is the brains behind uncovering the unethical treatment of pimps at Pimp Juice’s headquarters, located on East Colfax Road in Denver.

“I went undercover to infiltrate Pimp Juice and find the truth,” Churk said. “Once I was in, I noticed the subpar living conditions. The pimps were stripped of their canes and rings and forced to live solitarily in cramped wire cages. No pimp had the freedom to stroll around and survey his block. When needed, a machine plucked a pimp from his confined space and squeezed him until a sparkly purple juice came from his nostrils.”

Churk went on to inform me about outbreaks of influenza and weasels at the factory as a result of the unsanitary living conditions.

The deflated and defeated pimps at Pimp Juice’s factory have led to much controversy as well as an ongoing federal investigation. These poor creatures are raised in captivity and some may never see the light of day in their lifetime.

It is up to us to boycott Pimp Juice for their unethical treatment of pimps in their outdated facilities. No pimp deserves to be squeezed for his pimp juice.

Dave’s Marketplace Contributor Davis English can be reached at entertainment@collegian.com.