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Dave’s Marketplace: The punch allergy

Note: This article is satirical.

A new allergy is making its way across the Front Range and, according to University officials, there may be no cure.

That’s right, much like allergies to peanuts, shellfish and sharpened Renaissance daggers, this new and growing allergy epidemic poses a threat to college stupids nation-wide.

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The allergy is being punched in the face. It may seem like a joke to some, but the effects are real and super spooky. A whopping 100 percent of students who participated in various allergy studies last month tested positive for being allergic to a good sock in the mug.

To test for the allergy, the patient is placed in a small room with pool tables lathered in chew spit and sadness. A large man with flame tattoos and a bottle of whiskey subsequently enters the room to simulate being exposed to the allergy in a natural environment. The scary man punches the subject in the nose, cheek, eye or throat three to five times and leaves the room.

Results have varied, but studies have shown that people with the punch to the face allergy begin displaying signs of an allergic reaction within minutes of the initial wallop. Reaction signs include, but are not limited to: swelling of the face, mouth or throat, slurred speech, dizziness and rapid heartbeat. To some, these symptoms are all too real.

Senior pleated jeans major and weasel farmer, Thomas Austen, found himself reacting to this allergen just a week ago.

“I was just participating in my weekly UFC battle with my cousin’s neighbors when I noticed my face swelling up like a tomater,” Austen said. “Before long, an eyeball was swollen shut and I was feeling a bit woozy. Hell, my dumb allergy even gave me a concussion!”

Science people say that the allergy may already be in all of our genes, invading the whole world, from those of us here at CSU to the Pope at the Vatican, much like the widely accepted allergy to grenades and lightning. Their recommendation is to switch from punching each other in the face to friendly slapping or kicking to ensure the safety of our citizens.

Dave’s Marketplace Contributor Davis English can be reached at entertainment@collegian.com.

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