Dave’s Marketplace: Boy band back in action

Davis English

Note: This article is satirical.

Move over, Jonas Brothers and One Direction – the Optimus Prime of boy bands has finally been formed. With soothing headset vocals that could send any 12-year-old teenybopper into a joy coma, this ultra band is ready to take over shopping malls and Claire’s boutiques worldwide. Composed of two supergroups from the 1990s, it’s no wonder these young men are turning heads.


Backstreet Boyz II Men gives off the unmistakable attitude of nonchalant chill. Their loosened ties, fedoras, faded jeans and stubble gives off the message: “we’re hip and cool to 12 year olds and that’s just the way we like it.”

Their EP single, “Science is Harder in Middle School,” rose to the top of Billboard’s Hot Singles for Preteens chart late last December. With new singles coming out like “Does He Like Like Me?” and “Mom Won’t Buy Me an iPhone,” Backstreet Boyz II Men is expected to dominate the “Female Age 11-13” music segment for years to come.

The union of the groups has young fans and much creepier older fans across the globe rejoicing. Senior popped collar major and casual hair collector Kyler Lenan couldn’t be happier with the new formation of the supergroup.

“Backstreet Boyz II Men are so hot right now,” Lenan said as he shampooed his various wigs. “I’ve been dreaming about this moment for decades. I gotta get my wigs ready for the big show!”

As they gear up for their My Dad Could Beat Up Your Dad Tour, Backstreet Boyz II Men are seeking an opener.

So far, Taking Nickelback Sunday and Panic! At the Disco Biscuits have contacted the boy band, but according to sources, the opening act for their tour is most likely going to be Miley Cypress Hill due to the risqué nature of their performances.

For more information regarding the upcoming tour, check Limited Too’s website for tour cities and dates and remember: Backstreet’s Back (With Boyz II Men) alright!

Dave’s Marketplace Contributor Davis English can be reached at entertainment@collegian.com.