The Hall Monitor-Herald apologizes for years of libel

The Hall

We here at The Hall Monitor-Herald have always strived for nothing short of journalistic excellence, and so it is with great shame that we issue the following corrections to stories:

1. Corbett dining hall does not serve “Human Burgers.”

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2. The oft-debated on-campus stadium will not be located “inside all of our hearts.”

3. Colorado State University was not named Time Magazine’s “Lamest University of 2014.”

Unfortunately, due to the recent word restrictions that have resulted from the Fort Collins ink shortage, there are many more corrections that we are simply unable to print. Everyone here at the HMH is making sacrifices to accommodate these restrictions, particularly our beat reporter, Dakota James, who obtains the majority of his nutrients through the consumption of ink.

We honestly believed every word we ever published, including — maybe even especially — that time we ran the story about our mothers being proud of us. And so no one was more scandalized than us to learn that our founder, benefactor and reluctant-best-friend Old Man Potter had been feeding us false information to print as real news.

We first realized that something was amiss with Old Man Potter after watching “It’s A Wonderful Life” 16 times in a row in an attempt to discover just what it is about life that everybody finds so wonderful. By our 14th viewing, we realized that the film portrayed Old Man Potter as a loathsome, villainous misanthrope.

After confronting him about being a fictional character played by beloved character actor, Lionel Barrymore (1878-1954), Old Man Potter sat us down and told us that we were ready to hear the truth now that we were almost four years old.

After refreshing us on the concept of age, Old Man Potter revealed that he only helped start the HMH so as to feed us slanderous information that would ultimately discredit CSU. This was all a part of a larger ploy to increase admissions to his recently announced Old Man Potter University.

OMPU is set to open in Fall of 2015 and will offer courses in Greed, Wheelchair Maintenance and Interdimensional Time Travel.

After this startling revelation, a lot of really kooky stuff happened. So much in fact, that due to the aforementioned Fort Collins ink shortage, we are unable to print all of it in professional, AP style. Instead, please refer to the following bullet points:

1. We quit and told Old Man Potter that we would no longer require his funding.

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2. We spent seven days and six romantic nights roaming the streets of Fort Collins, homeless, hopeless and newspaper column-less.

3. After eating Dakota James’s leg out of pure, tasty necessity, we came crawling back to Old Man Potter, begging that he sponsor us again.

4. Old Man Potter gracefully accepted us back into his old, dead heart under one condition: we gain two dozen Twitter followers by close of business on New Thursday.

This we promise: our team of editors, one-legged reporters and alligators will do everything in our power to secure 12 more twitter followers and save The Hall Monitor-Herald.

The Hall Monitor-Herald is written by Lauren Funai, Niles Hachmeister, Patrick Hoehne, Chris Vanjonack and Andrew Walker. Follow us on Twitter @monitorherald. Please, we’re begging you.