The ascension of Gossip Squirrel

Cassie Maack

CSU campus squirrels generally seem to be a favorite feature of CSU. From the diseased to the overfed, the fearless squirrels often socialize with squirrels and humans alike.

Recently, social media among Colorado State University Students has been abuzz with rumor of a new entity on campus: Gossip Squirrel.

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Earlier this year, word of the Gossip Squirrel began surfacing. Yik Yak and Twitter received constant updates from the Gossip Squirrel with its signature sign off: “XOXO Gossip Squirrel.”

Suirrelina Van Der Woodsen, Nut Archibald and Blair Squirreldorf are among the fellow squirrels targeted by Gossip Squirrel. Spotted by Gossip Squirrel, they are accused of infidelity and betrayal.

One thing Gossip Squirrel is trying to make clear is that she runs this campus. The gossip from Gossip Squirrel does not stop with with squirrel socialites. It targets CSU students, visitors and even on-campus protesters.

One thing is obvious — Gossip Squirrel is here. Her presence is strong and she knows our mistakes. How Gossip Squirrel gained access to the internet, I don’t know. But it is clear that her intelligence far surpasses anything we ever imagined.

Some of you may be thinking you know the culprit. Perhaps you fed her a few crackers from your Lunchable last Wednesday. After all, this is Fort Collins, and Fort Collins squirrels have no fears nor qualms about casually approaching students and visitors.

Students have even been seen feeding Squirrelina Van Der Woodsen, making it clear Squirrelina and the others do not fear us and our human ways.

However, Gossip Squirrel herself has remained unseen and apparently wants to remain that way, doing all she can to blend in.

If people thought they should fear Big Brother of “1984,” they obviously have not encountered Gossip Squirrel of 2014. Gossip Squirrel is an unexpected powerhouse of knowledge and stealthiness.

For the purposes of my research as an investigative journalist, I tried to reach out to Gossip Squirrel for questioning. Call it outspecies homogeneity if you will, but I realized while chasing squirrel number five that all squirrels look the same to me.

So, no, Gossip Squirrel could not be reached for questioning.

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Collegian A&E Writer Cassie Maack can be reached at entertainment@collegian.com or on Twitter @maackcl.