Braiden Late Night discovered to be underground cockfighting ring

The Hall

Note: This article is satirical

Shock resonated throughout the CSU community last week, after Braiden Late Night was revealed to be a 1920s speakeasy-style cockfighting ring [note: this is satire, drawing upon the simple observation that “Braiden Late Night” sounds like the name to an underground club].

The  ring was discovered by CSU officer Nick York after he entered the dining hall to eat some delicious [satire] Braiden pizza. Shortly after pushing past several dancing flappers and hipsters to get his hands on some sweet, sweet pizza, Officer York was shocked to discover a ring of intoxicated freshmen betting their hard-earned RamCash on a rooster fight [Hey gang, just to make sure you’re keeping up, this is still satire — CSU is a dry campus, and so of course nobody would be “intoxicated,” and also of course cockfighting doesn’t occur at Braiden Late Night. This is purely exaggeration for comedic effect].

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After handcuffing the flappers, talon-cuffing the roosters, and shutting down the soda fountain which had been dispensing Moonshine, Absinthe and dope, Officer York was finally able to shut down the ring. [All right, let’s be real here guys —police officers don’t carry talon-cuffs, and even if they did, we’re pretty sure they wouldn’t go around arresting roosters. Again though, if you’ve been paying attention, you’d know that this whole thing is satire].

[Just to back up a bit: Webster’s Dictionary defines satire as, “A way of using humor to show that someone or something is foolish, weak or bad.” Although now that we think about it, we’re not really sure who or what we’re attempting to portray as foolish, weak or bad. Braiden? CSUPD? Cockfighting rings? 1920s speakeasies? Whatever, there’s really no need to overthink this].

When asked about the legality of cockfighting, Pecky McBeakins was quoted as saying, “Bock! Bagawk!!” [A classic piece of misdirection, this joke stands among those written by tremendously influential authors such as Swift, Voltaire and Wilde, all of whom wrote biting pieces of political and socio-economic satire].

Once all of the offending roosters were put into custody, York retired to the RamSkeller for a well deserved New Belgium Sat Tire [This is more wordplay than satire, but just in case anyone writes any angry letters that we might be held accountable for, it’s worth noting that New Belgium has not released a beer by that name].

The Hall Monitor-Herald is written by Niles Hachmeister, Patrick Hoehne, Chris Vanjonack and Andrew Walker. Follow us on Facebook and Twitter and find us online at thehallmonitorherald.com. The Hall Monitor-Herald is a satirical publication.