The Student News Site of Colorado State University

The Rocky Mountain Collegian

The Student News Site of Colorado State University

The Rocky Mountain Collegian

The Student News Site of Colorado State University

The Rocky Mountain Collegian

Print Edition
Letter to the editor submissions
Have a strong opinion about something happening on campus or in Fort Collins? Want to respond to an article written on The Collegian? Write a Letter to the Editor by following the guidelines here.
Follow Us on Twitter
African American female student studying from home during lockdown
Pediatric NP Online Programs: Alleviating Gaps in Colorado's Healthcare System
April 10, 2024

In Colorado's intricate healthcare sector, the provision of specialized care to its pediatric population remains a challenge. Pediatric Nurse...

Braiden Late Night discovered to be underground cockfighting ring

Note: This article is satirical

Shock resonated throughout the CSU community last week, after Braiden Late Night was revealed to be a 1920s speakeasy-style cockfighting ring [note: this is satire, drawing upon the simple observation that “Braiden Late Night” sounds like the name to an underground club].

The  ring was discovered by CSU officer Nick York after he entered the dining hall to eat some delicious [satire] Braiden pizza. Shortly after pushing past several dancing flappers and hipsters to get his hands on some sweet, sweet pizza, Officer York was shocked to discover a ring of intoxicated freshmen betting their hard-earned RamCash on a rooster fight [Hey gang, just to make sure you’re keeping up, this is still satire — CSU is a dry campus, and so of course nobody would be “intoxicated,” and also of course cockfighting doesn’t occur at Braiden Late Night. This is purely exaggeration for comedic effect].

Ad

After handcuffing the flappers, talon-cuffing the roosters, and shutting down the soda fountain which had been dispensing Moonshine, Absinthe and dope, Officer York was finally able to shut down the ring. [All right, let’s be real here guys —police officers don’t carry talon-cuffs, and even if they did, we’re pretty sure they wouldn’t go around arresting roosters. Again though, if you’ve been paying attention, you’d know that this whole thing is satire].

[Just to back up a bit: Webster’s Dictionary defines satire as, “A way of using humor to show that someone or something is foolish, weak or bad.” Although now that we think about it, we’re not really sure who or what we’re attempting to portray as foolish, weak or bad. Braiden? CSUPD? Cockfighting rings? 1920s speakeasies? Whatever, there’s really no need to overthink this].

When asked about the legality of cockfighting, Pecky McBeakins was quoted as saying, “Bock! Bagawk!!” [A classic piece of misdirection, this joke stands among those written by tremendously influential authors such as Swift, Voltaire and Wilde, all of whom wrote biting pieces of political and socio-economic satire].

Once all of the offending roosters were put into custody, York retired to the RamSkeller for a well deserved New Belgium Sat Tire [This is more wordplay than satire, but just in case anyone writes any angry letters that we might be held accountable for, it’s worth noting that New Belgium has not released a beer by that name].

The Hall Monitor-Herald is written by Niles Hachmeister, Patrick Hoehne, Chris Vanjonack and Andrew Walker. Follow us on Facebook and Twitter and find us online at thehallmonitorherald.com. The Hall Monitor-Herald is a satirical publication.

Leave a Comment
More to Discover

Comments (0)

When commenting on The Collegian’s website, please be respectful of others and their viewpoints. The Collegian reviews all comments and reserves the right to reject comments from the website. Comments including any of the following will not be accepted. 1. No language attacking a protected group, including slurs or other profane language directed at a person’s race, religion, gender, sexual orientation, social class, age, physical or mental disability, ethnicity or nationality. 2. No factually inaccurate information, including misleading statements or incorrect data. 3. No abusive language or harassment of Collegian writers, editors or other commenters. 4. No threatening language that includes but is not limited to language inciting violence against an individual or group of people. 5. No links.
All The Rocky Mountain Collegian Picks Reader Picks Sort: Newest

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *