Ram Talk: University Games

Davis English

Based on the RamTalk: “The awkward half jog when a car is waiting for you to cross the street.” – Originally in 8/29/2014 Collegian.

The University Olympics are fast approaching and, as many anticipated, students are training in the thousands to try to represent Colorado State in this year’s events. The training regimen is rigorous and most will not make the cut, but the payoff is worth it.

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The gold medalist in each event will receive a brand new set of Lisa Frank folders, a lifetime supply of pipe cleaners and three female chinchillas in heat.

The events of the Olympics have been called “extreme,” “dangerous” and “great dipped in ranch” by some critics, but university athletes everywhere have been training all year to showcase their skills. Events include: the Behavioral Sciences door pull (50 reps), the late to Statistics sprint, the OMG did you hear what Ben said about Ashley relay, the awkward half jog across the street to get to your ride, the Netflix binge watch and the shotput.

To train for these events, senior Hamburglar major Shane DelBrewer has been on a strict diet for the last three years.

“Yeah, I actually just heard about the Olympics like two weeks ago,” DelBrewer said. “But I’ve been on my custom Ramen, peanut butter and Pizza Roll diet since freshman year. I think I’ll do really well with all of those nutrients in my bod.”

Local cheese wheel vendor, Carly Elins, will be officiating the games for her fifth consecutive year.

“It’s not easy to officiate,” Elins said. “We look for the mark of a true college student when judging. Things like glazed eyes, grey sweatpants, grey sweatshirts, grey socks, grey sleep caps, grey outlook on life, excessive napping, calling parents for more money and boozing are all marks of true University Olympic champs.”

This year, DelBrewer is a top pick to win the games due to his lack of physical hygiene, excessive gluten consumption and Netflix binge watching.

Although they don’t begin for another two to 120 weeks, it’s safe to say that the University Olympics will be worth watching. Over 2 trillion schools nationwide will be partaking this year and we all know what CSU pulled off three years ago at the games in Portland.

Let’s do that again this year, Rams!

Collegian RamTalk columnist Davis English can be reached at entertainment@collegian.com.

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