This fictional column is based on the RamTalk – “I’m in the Warner College of Natural Resources for the beards…” – Originally in the Collegian on Sept. 19.

Scientists at Colorado State University have recently made a remarkable new discovery. Age-old questions have finally been answered, and this student can finally rest easy. That’s right people: the perfect beard has been located, and it resides on the face of one lucky Fort Collins individual.

Ever since man could stand upright, we have looked to perfect three things: pool cues, vacuum cleaners and beards. Ancient Mayan ruins suggest that a well-manicured beard was not only a sign of wealth and status, but that it could bring peace among rival basketball teams. Nordic cultures hold the beard high as a sign of paternal care and wheelbarrow race prowess.

Our shaggy, post-pubescent face warmers do more than convince people we’re not 15; they have the power to create a better world.

The perfect beard was found at the Warner College of Natural Resources on CSU senior, Skylar White. White, a stallion-taming major from Bosnia, has revealed his secret to growing perfect whiskers.

“The pride of any good beard is the mustache,” White said. “It’s important to keep your nose neighbor primped, clean and ready for action. Don’t focus too hard, try to let your follicles do the work, and, if you do this, your beard will look spectacular.”

Junior Kid Pix major, Mat Bombird, recently visited White’s house for a chance to see the Mona Lisa of beards.

“It was a defining moment in my life,” Bombird said. “The colors in it melted into each other perfectly. Reds faded to browns and browns to purples.”

Bombird’s speech took a somber tone.

“I cried the first time I saw it,” Bombird sighed. “Just thinking about it I get kind of emotional, actually – you’ll have to excuse me.”

More science stuff is needed to fully test the geometric symmetry of the perfect beard, but it’s clear that the fuzz has already resonated with students all across campus. Although White has hired bodyguards to protect his hairy assets, you can catch a glimpse at his scientifically proven superior beard at the Warner College of Natural Resources.

Collegian Ram Talk Columnist Davis English can be reached at entertainment@collegian.com.