The Student News Site of Colorado State University

The Rocky Mountain Collegian

The Student News Site of Colorado State University

The Rocky Mountain Collegian

The Student News Site of Colorado State University

The Rocky Mountain Collegian

Print Edition
Letter to the editor submissions
Have a strong opinion about something happening on campus or in Fort Collins? Want to respond to an article written on The Collegian? Write a Letter to the Editor by following the guidelines here.
Follow Us on Twitter
5 Strategies for Landing Your Dream Job After Graduation
July 11, 2024

Graduated and feeling lost about your next steps? Looking to set up your life, find a good job, and earn money? Who doesn’t want that, right?...

Colorado State students offer blood sacrifice to the A

Note: This column is satirical.

This last Saturday, approximately 600 students, 60 faculty members and six rams hiked up to the A near Hughes Stadium to present a blood sacrifice. The blood, graciously donated by the Fort Collins First National Blood Bank, was spilled upon the A, which, according to local legend, is the only way to appease the mighty, all-powerful being Lucifer Collins.

Dating back to 1923, the A represents the moment when the farmers occupying the unincorporated territory (that would later be named “Fort Collins”)  turned over both their souls and land to Lucifer Collins, a wealthy, jazz-listening smooth talker.

Ad

Lucifer Collins embroidered the A (which was intended as the town’s motto, because it’s “A great place to live”) using his sheer willpower after slack-jawed hick Tommy Loveland questioned his powers.

Town census records quote Loveland as saying, “I seen an A where an A should never be — outside of the alphabet,” shortly before fleeing to begin his own town, Greeley.

CSU graduate Lauren Cox is credited with leading the annual blood sacrifice.

“I do it for a number of reasons,” said Cox. “It gives an immediate sense of community to the freshmen, it’s a ton of fun and, like many of us, I live in crippling fear of Lucifer Collins, who some say still lives in Horsetooth Reservoir.”

Cox is supported by the University’s Alumni Association, who are the few who still claim that.

“I think it’s pretty obvious that something will happen if we don’t complete the sacrifice,” said Cox, noting that, during the 72 hours leading up to the offering, CSU’s recently added digital screens repeatedly flash the word “blood” every 72 minutes.

Some Fort Collins residents are against the ritual blood sacrifice.

“All this ‘Lucifer Collins’ business is a load of hogwash,” said Cotton Wilkinson, an elderly grocer, moments after spitting. “I think this town has seen the last of him.”

When pressed for further comment, Wilkinson was unavailable, as he had been turned by some unseen force into what can only be described as a large, screaming Jack-in-the-Box.

Ad

The Hall Monitor-Herald is written by Niles Hachmeister, Patrick Hoehne, Chris Vanjonack and Andrew Walker. The Hall Monitor-Herald can be found online at thehallmonitorherald.com, where it is still waiting for the other kids to finish that game of hide-and-go-seek they started 20 years ago.

Leave a Comment
More to Discover

Comments (0)

When commenting on The Collegian’s website, please be respectful of others and their viewpoints. The Collegian reviews all comments and reserves the right to reject comments from the website. Comments including any of the following will not be accepted. 1. No language attacking a protected group, including slurs or other profane language directed at a person’s race, religion, gender, sexual orientation, social class, age, physical or mental disability, ethnicity or nationality. 2. No factually inaccurate information, including misleading statements or incorrect data. 3. No abusive language or harassment of Collegian writers, editors or other commenters. 4. No threatening language that includes but is not limited to language inciting violence against an individual or group of people. 5. No links.
All The Rocky Mountain Collegian Picks Reader Picks Sort: Newest

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *