CSU buys out Fort Collins Fried Foods

Based on the ramtalk:

The worst time to have an off campus job? The weekend everyone comes back.

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Christmas lights are stowed away and sparkling cider is no longer on sale… it must be the start of the spring semester. Students flock back to Fort Collins in droves, but the cold weather may force some of their New Year’s resolutions to take an early exit.

Although many students told themselves they would eat healthier in 2014, restaurants in Fort Collins are noticing that as students return for school, the restaurants run out of fried foods and other unhealthy snacks.

Junior business monopolizing major, Nikolai Bowsen, believes that his theory on the rise in junk food sales is the most correct one.

“I’ve heard many ideas about why we’re all starving for fried foods,” Bowsen said, “but none of them include the polar vortex as the culprit.”

Senior food and nutrition major and fry cook at Wings R’ Us, Matty Bombardo, believes Bowsen’s theory may be incorrect, but is not happy about the increase in sales.

“The polar vortex was so frigid that CSU students felt that they had to fatten up to protect themselves for the winter,” Bombardo said. “Now I won’t have enough fried foods to fatten myself up and I could freeze!”

Perhaps the rush to fatten up was premature as scientists at CSU believe the polar vortex has left the area and gone back to the poles. Now, with warm weather and blue skies, the restaurants of Fort Collins have stockpiles of fried foods, while they are running out of fruits and vegetables.

Students at CSU learned a tough lesson at the hand of Fort Collins’ variant weather patterns. The moral of the story is that only bears should hibernate, not rams.

 Collegian Entertainment Writer Steven Jacobs can be reached at entertainment@collegian.com.