Pedal Pushers

Based on the RamTalk – To the person who complained about people walking in bike lanes…fair enough. But if that’s the case, I’m tackling the next biker I see riding in the walk lane. – Originally in 11/22/2013 Collegian.

The biker is a tall and burly creature with a long ponytail and a permanent leather exoskeleton. The cyclist is a twiggy beast that sports skin tight apparel and a blonde mustache. While one may have to travel to Texas or South Dakota to encounter large herds of bikers, the cyclist is quite commonplace right here in our community.


An angry species, the cyclist frequently blames others for their own mistakes and is quick to judge those who drive motor vehicles. Their natural habitats include: sidewalks, full lanes in the street, coffee shops and bike lanes.

It is in these places that the wild cyclist truly feels at home. Sophomore Mulan major, Mike Portair, has been having a difficult time co-existing with the bicyclists.

“They don’t follow rules,” Portair said. “I was driving the other day and a cyclist was taking up the entire lane! Then he proceeded to run a stop sign and loiter at a corner that was clearly marked as a no loitering zone. I can’t understand that lifestyle.”

Junior cyclist and pug-raising major, Marshal Wralley, doesn’t understand what the big deal is.

“I’m just trying to live my life,” Wralley said as he combed his blonde mustache. “I’ve been riding for as long as I could walk and loitering for as long as I could stand. I’m a man of few rules who likes to take his cycle out on the open road – nothing wrong with that.”

The number of cyclists in Fort Collins is about to surpass the number of humans and research indicates that they may take over the human race all together. We need to learn to co-exist if we want to preserve our species. Let the year of the cyclist begin here.

Collegian Entertainment Reporter Davis English can be reached at