Based on the RamTalk – If someone doesn’t say thanks after I hold the first door of a set I let the second one crush their face #useyourmanners – Originally in 10/25/13 Collegian.

Early Tuesday afternoon, a police chase ensued after a horrific crime occurred on the South end of campus. Witnesses were disgusted as the suspect fled the scene of the crime on foot as if nothing had happened. The crime: the perpetrator did not thank some nice young student who held the door for them. Makes me sick.

The suspect has been described as a Caucasian female on the shorter side with no apparent manners whatsoever. She emits a general odor of old onions and joylessness and is said to shush people on a regular basis. Students who have met the young lady have described her as “unpleasant” and “like the lovechild of Stalin and Squidward.”

Sophomore frog-squeezing major, Angelica Quarter, was taken aback by the poor manners.

“She may be Lucifer,” Quarter said. “Because only Lucifer wants to hurt the soul of another in such a brutal way. How could she do that to the young man holding the door? How?”

Jack Robensen, a junior humming major, is a friend of the young man who was holding the door on that fateful day.

“He hasn’t been the same,” Robensen said. “Ever since that chick didn’t say thanks, he’s been so secluded. He’s been watching door holding videos for weeks now, wondering if it was his technique that made her act so rude.”

While the rude suspect is still on the run from authorities, I think it’s safe to say that her mannerlessness will not go unpunished. Not holding a door for someone is like metaphorically not holding a door for a different person – I couldn’t come up with anything else. So hold those doors like a tenured professor holds his job: you don’t have to do it well as long as you just do it.

Collegian Entertainment Writer Davis English can be reached at news@collegian.com.